Penny for my petty thoughts

I must confess that all this talk I've done of "letting go" concerning certain emotional triggers has been just that-talk. I don't necessarily pride myself in this, but I am pretty good at deception, and if I tell enough people my trumped up version of the truth...hell, even I start to believe it. The fact is I still harbor a bit of resentment toward certain people and places (primarily the former). It's not as if I am holding on to old feelings or carrying some sort of torch. Far from it-I look back on the past several weeks and wonder why I put myself through what I did, and when my last relationship ended, I wondered if I was ever going to find myself in a healthy one ever again. Since then I've approached my interactions with the opposite sex with some amount of hesitation and I've presumed that any flirting was harmless enough. I'd also assumed anyone at least remotely attractive was gonna be insane on some level. As for sex, forget it. Guess what? Men can fake it just was well as women can (ok, barring the last...er, indiscretion-that was hot.)

Since last weekend, though, something shifted; perhaps it was the new friendships forged at Riot Fest. I do know that something clicked at last week's therapy session, this sense if truly wanting to let go and move forward. Part one involved setting up this afternoon's date-a nice, simple meeting in the suburbs over lunch. Nothing intense, and that was such a relief. Based on how our date ended, I imagine there will be a follow up in the near future.

I can't let go if I continue to browse blogs and other sites for "dirt". It's pathetic and childish and I really do have better things to do with my time than to read some blown up recollection of what ended my last relationship. If hanging on to "hard evidence" will make my ex sleep better at night, then have at it. I will no longer concern myself with what ex-girlfriends and former friends have to say about me.

As of midnight, November 26th, 2007 I can truly say: out with the old and in with the new.

Parking Blues

Due to the lack of available parking in Wicker Park tonight, I didn't make it to the Witchcraft show at the Double Door as planned. It's probably for the best as I've bad my fill of concerts in recent weeks.

Earlier today I caught Margot At The Wedding in Evanston with N., having met up at Flat Top for lunch beforehand. As a big fan of The Squid And The Whale, my hopes were probably set just a bit too high as Margot was a bit of a disappointment. The film is basically the story of a woman who travels back home with her son for the wedding of her younger sister. While home, the same issues that drove the sisters apart came back again, along with some secrets revealed. Now that sounds familiar-the miscommunication in a relationship (substitute familial for romantic). Nicole Kidman's character is never satisfied with anything her sister does and constantly throws her opinion in where it's not needed; she seems to thrive on drama. Had the movie ended better, I may have given it higher marks; instead it gets a B-.

Tomorrow afternoon seems to find me on an honest to goodness date for the first time in months. I don't want to jinx it, so I will refrain for writing too much, only to say she is insanely good looking, killer smile and all.

Relatively painless

My Thanksgiving started at 3pm and ended at 6pm. Short and sweet, just as I had hoped. Spoke with D. on the way home and made plans to hang when she gets home next week. It never ceases to amaze me how similar the two of us are at in each other's lives. I give thanks today for friends like her, who accept me for who I am and who do not judge me on the mistakes I've made. I may still be a little bitter and resentful but today the level is nowhere near as much as it was several weeks ago no matter who I see or the places I go.

Gobble gobble, turkeys.

Isolation Mochas

I've blown off everyone tonight and that's just fine. I passed on P.'s bachelor party even though I said I'd go and I may have been of support to the newly sober M.; I told F. I'd go see his band Arctic Sleep play the Empty Bottle tonight. Tonight, though, I couldn't be bothered. I'd rather sit inside, listen to music (currently, Dalek) and watch Season 3 of Rescue Me.

Slow motion Monday

Day 2 of Riot Fest yesterday was pretty good. The Boy and I headed down to the Congress around 11:00 am, received our all access passes and didn't do much until doors opened at noon. I forgot to point out that a friend of mine had a gallery of old punk fliers, pictures and vinyl (many featuring yours truly) open next door to the venue. What fun that was reliving some memories and sharing some of them with my son.

As people began making their way in, we made sure our merch area looked presentable and while we made sure to have plenty of ZTS stickers on the table, we also had the "band kids" pass them out at various points during the day. L. was shut out of the dressing room once the beer arrived and thankfully had friends there to keep him occupied. The Riot Fest folks offered the band plenty of food and drink (sadly, no Red Bull) to which I took advantage of. We hit the stage a little after 3pm and aside from D.'s guitar acting up I thought we played pretty well. I certainly got a kick out of the huge stage and judging by L's huge grin from the VIP balcony, he got a kick as well. After we played I ran up there and he said, "you still got it, Dad".

Just like last year, Riot Fest was a chance to catch up with some old friends and make new ones so I didn't catch a whole lot of the bands I really did want to see (The Bollweevils, Dillinger Four, and Sludgeworth, though I did catch at least 1-2 songs of each). Day 2's headliners the Bad Brains were an utter letdown, thanks to their perma-stoned singer. I had not caught the band live since 1989 when they blew my then 17 year old mind. This time around HR stood there, arms folded or behind his back with his parka on, racing through the lyrics and basically not giving a shit about the mass of people there who came to see the band. Booo!!!

Today we had planned on hitting the Museum Of Science and Industry's Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination exhibit but my absent-mindedness forgot to purchase tickets online ahead of time and as a result, no MSI for 2 more weeks. Instead, L. and I rested all morning and headed out this afternoon for lunch, followed by a trip to Quake Collectibles.

Though we left Lincoln Square by 3pm, it ended up taking us 90 minutes or so to get out to Romeoville. From there, it was another 45 minutes to West Chicago where I was treated to an awesome dinner courtesy of some old and brand new friends.

Looking forward to a mellow and brief work week and a hopefully drama-free Thanksgiving-I did end up confirming my attendance at my uncle's country club. Just need to dust off that sportcoat now.

The weekend thus far

Last night's ZTS show at the Cobra Lounge (a special Riot Fest warm up gig) was a hot, sweaty smoky mess and, all things considered, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I headed right to the bar from work and ran into T., who told me he's been working there for awhile. After a few minutes the rest of the band arrived and we brought in the basics (shared equipment with The Methadones that night). After some food, the rest of the bands playing that night (the aforementioned Methadones, Shotbaker, The Effigies and The Queers) began to arrive and some catching up took place. I did my best to keep my talking brief so as not to strain my voice (singing or not, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut-you think I don't know that?). After a great set by Shotbaker, we hit the stage at 10:15pm and, amidst some sound problems, played pretty damn well. The Methadones were up next and were an onstage paradox, featuring a stoned singer who never smokes pot, a notorious drunk on guitar now 40 days sober, and a teetotal bassist who was seen knocking back shots minutes before they hit the stage. They were a train wreck, and the audience ate it up. The boys packed up the gear and merch while I chatted up a cute attendee as well as an old friend now drumming for The Queers. They soon left and texted me shortly after realizing they had left a bit of gear at the bar. I grabbed all that was left behind and planned on heading home myself (I had to stay and hear "Bodybag" , my favorite Effigies tune), and instead heeded a "call" and took a detour to where this sweaty, smoky writer ended his month long streak of celibacy.

As a result of last night's post show...er, shenanigans, I overslept an hour this morning and was later than planned in grabbing The Boy. After some running around this afternoon (and yes, after a catnap) we headed down to Day 1 of Riot Fest in time to see 7 Seconds (L.'s favorite of the night), the mighty Stiff Little Fingers and Naked Raygun, who played much better than last year.

Looking forward to Day 2 and of course ZTS's slot on the bill. We need to be down at the venue at the ungodly hour of 9:00 am for load-in so off to bed I go.

Post-therapy metal burgers

Tonight's session put me in a bummer of a mood. I'm at odds with Mom again and as a result have thought of skipping on Thanksgiving altogether this year (I have enough transplanted friends staying in town anyway). On top of Mom-drama, it's hit me pretty hard that I won't be with The Boy on either Thanksgiving or my birthday/Christmas (he'll be in Disneyworld from 12/23-30). Talking about this in therapy, it dawned on me that I seem to be trying to alienate myself from the family (oh no, not conflict! Run, Buckley, run!). Just before walking into my session, I sent a text to L. letting her know I wasn't "feeling" Kuma's tonight; a trip to Reckless and right home seemed far more enjoyable. Thankfully she hung in there and suggested meeting up anyway as she had made some music of some of her favorite hometown (Austin, TX) bands. My need to eat outweighed the need to isolate so we headed to Kuma's where many Cokes were drank and belly stuffed with some Mastodon. Tentative plans were made to head down to SXSW this coming March (provided that ZTS is not planning anything in that timeframe).

I'm also entertaining the idea if throwing a birthday party/show for myself next month. As I'm turning 35, I want to enter "middle age" in style. Just stay tuned and I'll try and do the same.

Laughing all the way to the...

I laughed more last night that at any other time in recent memory. Such as basic response, yet so powerful. I've had some thoughts weighing on my mind in recent days (Dad and the Estate, Liam being MIA over the holidays-more on that later) so the reverie last night was much needed.

Yesterday began with lunch with M. at The Harmony Grill (Kuma's was packed to the gills at 2pm...damn) It's always refreshing hanging out with her. Headed to Lincoln Park around 8pm for a get-together thrown by one of my co-workers and attended by some former colleagues. It was good to catch up. I ended up being one of the only two straight men at the party which made it even funnier when the topic of relationships came up (I was a good boy and kept my mouth shut). I bid farewell around 10:30pm and shot over to the Metro in time to catch the majority of Do Make Say Think. I'd been hearing from M. earlier in the evening and he'd been trying to get me to meet up with friends at various watering holes and I was a bit hesitant as I wouldn't be sure how awake I'd be after the aforementioned show. Sufficiently jacked up on coffee and Coke, I headed over to the the Blind Robin and met up with more blasts from the past than I had anticipated (among the group was B., one of the last-if not the last relationship I was in before I got engaged). After much...er, "ego massaging", I headed home at around 2am grateful for the company and even grateful for the chance to reconnect with some old friends.

Progress

Left work early today for parent/teacher conferences with The Boy's four teachers. My little man got on the honor roll by the skin of his teeth and his teachers all know-as do J., N. and I-that he can get all A's if he can get his homework in on time (someone's been spending all their study hall time on the computer).

Afterwards, I headed up to the Lakeshore Theatre where I caught Black Dice. While there, I was introduced to a young man who turned out to be my ex's boyfriend before me. While I did my best to resist the urge to compare "war stories", we both admitted that we were frustrated by our mutual ex's all or nothing approach to virtually every aspect of the relationship and noted the irony of being "dumped" when we both knew our time was up long before that.

I've done my best to live and learn from all the relationships I've been in, no matter how brutal the ending. These past few weeks have given me time to reflect on the most recent of them and reactionary as some of my...actions may have been, I've acknowledged my role in the breakup and know that the full blame cannot be placed solely on my shoulders.

Quiet nights in

Ahhh...this is more like it.

I've spent the better part of the past 4-5 weeks running around practicing and/or socializing (ok, and maybe some flirting), and it's good to have a night like tonight (and last night) to deflate. I watched a hilarious movie (Knocked Up) and was slightly let down by another (Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie-kiss my ass, it's better than most cartoons out there). Recently purchased albums include The Ritual Fires Of Abandonment by Minsk (opening up for Neurosis this Sunday...hell yes!), Load Blown by Black Dice and Fire Escape by Sunburned Hand Of The Man (envisioned, produced, mixed and edited by Kieran Hebden a.k.a. the brilliant Four Tet) in addition to a renewal of faith in the music of Red House Painters, Spacemen 3, The Verve and Spiritualized (these purchases brought to me courtesy of my recent 11% raise).

Saturday, weather/energy permitting, The Boy and I may head down to Millennium Park for the new Arctic: Soundscape installation. As on most weekends with L., we'll fly by the seat of our proverbial pants and see where that takes us.

One more reason to smile: finishing this entry up and heading to bed at 11:00 PM.


Zzz...