So Emotional

The reality of being sans son this Christmas (and my birthday) hit pretty hard last night once we got home from seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks (not as corny as I thought it would be; I would have rather caught I Am Legend at the IMAX-featuring a seven minute preview of The Dark Knight Returns-but I promised D. we'd see it with her). L. confesses to me that his science project-known about since last Wednesday-was due tomorrow and he wasn't sure if he had all the supplies necessary. Very rarely do I get angry with him, but in this case I was convinced that he withheld the assignment from me because he didn't want to take time away from his weekend with me. It was after a call to J. and letting him know of her decision to ground him that he confirmed this. While this conversation should have ended at that point, I projected what can only be described as my fear of abandonment on him, reducing us both to tears. It's not that I begrudge L. his time at Disneyworld with his family, but I am having a difficult time imagining my birthday and Christmas without him. We will be celebrating the holiday a few days earlier with my Mom's family which will help to offset my grief but this anguish really does seem to have taken over me.

It goes without saying that I have a strong and special bond with my son. When I bottomed out back in August 2002, I believe I was saved in order to be there for him. I really think he is the only reason I am still alive today. My relationship with him and how I view it has been criticized as unhealthy in the past by people who really can't afford to be questioning anyone's parental role, but I stand by the decisions I made in his regard. He is the number one priority in my life and no one and nothing will ever come before him.

Bring on New Year's Eve. Please.