It is under the comfort of a warm blanket that I can report on the happenings of this weekend. AZB flew in Thursday afternoon and in the days-no, weeks preceding her visit, I began to feel that all too familiar emotion of anxiety. As I've experienced in the not too distant past, things with us developed via e-mails and phone calls, and knowing full well that I am in no frame of mind to handle anything serious (well, what I want I can't have), I reveled in the knowledge that someone thought so highly of me that they were willing to fly across the country to hang out for the weekend. What started off as excitement late last year turned to anxiety as I soon realized someone I barely knew was going to be staying with me for four days and three nights. I've come to really enjoy having my own time and this feeling of disruption really knocked me out of sorts.
Last Thursday I picked AZB up at the Montrose Blue Line and we headed back to my apartment so she could shower and we were soon out to Kuma's for dinner. That night, rather than brave the arctic outside, we watched Idiocracy. While the sleeping arrangements weren't necessarily discussed, I managed to pass out early on the couch-another winter cold kicking my ass.
The next day I invented a scenario in which I could have some "me" time, so I dropped her off at the Blue Line and ran errands (including much needed "zen time" at Borders). Some friends of hers had invited us to a party/jam session that night and as my "scenario" included an overnight stay, she stayed over there and I had the entire night to myself. It's only now that I realize what a fucked up decision that was. I wish I could have just said that I'd like to just stay in Friday night; you have fun drinking and smoking with your friends, but I didn't so I'm left feeling embarrassed.
After picking her up Saturday afternoon we headed back to the apartment and napped most of the afternoon before heading to D.'s house to load up the new van and head to the show in Hillside. Not a fan of The Brauerhouse I gotta tell you, but we played a great set (shitty monitors notwithstanding), and it was good to talk to an old bandmate and his not so little brothers after 10+ years. While there, AZB got a little...um, touchy feely so I made it a point to keep my distance in the hope that D.'s girlfriend could talk her ear off (mission accomplished!). Our night there had already ended on the late side and a few minutes down the road from the bar, we ran out of diesel fuel. As soon as we came to a complete stop, panic set in in the form of D.'s girlfriend losing her shit. She proceeded to tell anyone that would listen that her body cools much quicker than anyone else. Rather than ask what the medical name for this condition is, I kept quiet while the others were able to contact one of the opening bands in addition to flagging down a car for help. Eventually we were able to throw 5 gallons of diesel into the van and headed back to River Grove. After a quick cup of coffee, we got back home just after 4:00am where I took the bed and she, the couch.
Over lunch at Noodles & Company today, I apologized for being emotionally distant and thanked AZB for coming out. I also gave her the opportunity to express what she had felt prior to flying out and while here, an opportunity I freely admit to not giving to virtually anyone else in my life for the past few years out of fear of conflict. Maybe this was easy to do because she would fly home and I could choose not to communicate with her anymore. At any rate, we caught a 1:45pm showing of The Orphanage and hung out at Barnes and Noble before dropping her off at the airport earlier this evening.
Now more than ever, I realize that the problem concerning the women in my life is more my issues than anything else. As I used to hear in the rooms, it's all about progress, not perfection, and I am far from perfect.
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