One year ago-some perspective

One year ago I was a very angry man. I had basically walked out on what had turned into an incredibly volatile relationship. I had come to the realization that the woman that I had met just 3 months prior (and fell for pretty damn quickly) was not someone I was fit for after all. The differences, once refreshing, had left me distant. Rather than talk things out, I did what I learned to do in the years since my father's death-I bottled up my feelings, only to explode at a moment's notice. No amount of self help books or relationship retreats were going to save that relationship.

On May 16, 2007 I received some news at was basically thought of as "the worst possible time". Upon finding out she was pregnant (by phone while at work, though I'm sure she'd rather have told me in person), my entire body began to tremble and I headed to the bathroom where I promptly threw up. I didn't remember feeling this sick when my ex-wife told me she was pregnant (at that time, I remember being numb for a little under an hour; when it really hit me that I was going to be a father, I was thrilled). Almost immediately I entered some sort of self-preservation mode. I'm not sure if we were "officially" broken up at this point but I ran with that and rather than head over to the "ex's", I kept my concert plans with friends that first night. In the days and weeks following, I admittedly made some rather feeble attempts to check in, and anytime there was the slightest bit of conflict (which there invariably was), I got angry and ran out. How I managed a trip to CA with The Boy in the midst of this is beyond me, though I did manage to basically put the pregnancy out of my mind while there. That's a talent I am not particularly proud of.

One year ago today the pregnancy was terminated. I wasn't allowed at the hospital for fear of an outburst. Can't say I blame her. I can't begin to know what it's like to go through that procedure and the grief before, during and after, but I am sad regardless. Sad at the loss and at myself for not being strong enough to offer support, no matter how small.