Impassive aggressive

Something D. told me last night struck me as initially offensive: "don't define your self-worth by whether or not you have a significant other to show off". I had been talking to her about how after my relationship with A. collapsed I was initially reluctant to attend my reunion and the upcoming wedding of a good friend of mine by myself. I hate when she's right, but it's her pull-no-punches brand of advice that I need the most, especially now when it's all too easy to throw myself yet another pity party. Sure, the drive up to Wisconsin is 6 hours one way, but it's not as if I don't have enough music to listen to. Attending the wedding solo also means not having to worry about anyone else but myself, and I relish the idea of being a little selfish.

Dinner tonight with B. was refreshing; after realizing that we had several mutual friends, we agreed to finally meet up after I dropped The Boy off. No preconcieved notions, no pretense-just 2 people having dinner and realizing we had more than a few things in common. I frankly don't see the harm in making new friends while in the process of working on myself.

Reunions

Just back from my 20 year grade school reunion, and any hesitation I had about showing up solo vanished pretty quickly once I discovered that, with few exceptions, most came by themselves. It was interesting to see how everyone had changed (in appearance if not necessarily in behavior). Word of my musical exploits reached many as I attempted to catch folks up on what I'd been up to all this time. Most seemed surprised that I had a 12 year old son, and I was surprised myself that some of my former classmates' kids were attending our old school and being taught by some of the very same teachers that we had. I found myself mildly aggravated when a few people asked "Are you married? Not anymore? Dating? Just haven't found the right one?" Err...yeah, something like that. I'm sure they meant well. As the night went on, those moderately buzzed turned borderline belligerent and I made my exit.

Minutes before walking into the reunion, I received word that a friend of mine in the program had been hospitalized. Details are scarce at this point and, as my name was on a short list of people she'd like to talk to, I hope to speak with her at some point tomorrow. Hearing this pretty much puts whatever feelings of loneliness and frustration I have to shame.

Rewind

Here I am back to where I was at the start of the summer. This time I will really work on myself. I will pick up the tools that are laid out for me and make use of them. I want to be happy; I want the serenity that so many of my friends have. I want to honor each emotion that is brought up and not continue to stuff it back in out of fear of being seen as weak or upsetting the person closest to me.

I want to be able to part of a relationship and not be ashamed. I want to be open and honest. I want something complex without the drama, be it self-made or otherwise. I will begin to clean up my side of the street and maintain it.

This break is seemingly overwhelming but absolutely necessary.

Isolation

I have spent the past 1-1/2 days talking to very few and have come to enjoy it. Reacting to words said Friday night gave me the ammo I needed to shut down. I missed the days of only answering to myself. Writing and music and thinking. Lots and lots and LOTS of thinking.

Today will involve more of the same and that's exactly how I want it. I've said I'm doing this for clarity, but the bottom line is I don't want to think about any of it anymore. A meeting or two would do me some good, but it's bound to be only temporary. I'll be counting down the minutes until I can get back home and begin this cycle all over again.

I May Hate You Sometimes

Lyrics by The Posies


Here we are--only been a couple of years
Maybe longer
Yes it's true--i'm no good at being the strong man
You're stronger
But I think--maybe you should take a good look
At my feelings
Can't you see--i'm another one just like you
A human being

I don't want to have to sacrifice to have to get along
I don't ever want to be the one to say I'm wrong
I may hate you sometimes, but I'll always love you

What did you say--it's so hard for me to remember
What you meant
How did it happen--was it preconcieved
Or a complete accident
I still recall--we were once happy together
Smiling faces
But things have changed--and now you're only happy when
I remember where my place is

I don't want to have to live up to your expectations
I don't ever want to be the one to end relations
I may hate...

Do you think you could treat me
Like somebody special
I can't be everything to everybody
Could I at least be something to you?

Don't look so surprised--i'm a little smarter
Than every other weakling
Say no more--i know exactly what you're going to say
Without you speaking
A familiar phrase--i've heard it said often before
Please forgive me
Don't be a fool--if I can't live with myself
How could you live with me?

Now that I'm filled with emotion you're dispassionate
You only live for yourself while I live to regret
But don't ever think that I could easily forget
Because I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
I said that I would but now I know that I won't
And the chance of being right is looking kind of remote
I may hate you sometimes (x3)
But I'll always love you
I may hate you sometimes but I'll always love you

Far beyond aggravated

Here we go again-that feeling that it's going to get worse and worse. Throwing in the towel makes me a coward; hanging in there only leads to more anger and frustration. I asked this very same question at the start of June: when is enough truly enough?

I have neither the ways nor the means nor the energy to answer that question right now. This overthinking, pessimistic bastard is going to bed.

Emotional Rescue

Wow, what a roller coaster of emotion the past day and half has been. Opening up in therapy yesterday about my dad; my frustration that I seem to grieve for him just as much now if not more than at the time of his death (3 years gone this month). Trying to figure out how his death ties into my current relationships (be they familial or otherwise), I need help figuring out why I want to keep running away and/or pushing away those that love me; I need to differentiate between loving guidance and "being attacked". Last night's session brought me that much closer to understanding all of this, though I know I still have my work cut out for me.

A call to mi madre later last night turned into another outpouring of emotion as I admitted how out of touch I felt with my family. I've been resentful at them for making virtually zero effort (save for my youngest brother) to see Liam. This turned into admitting that I just feel lost in general and how I wished Dad was here to offer guidance. The urge to run was so strong last night but I stayed; an e-mail or two to ALH helped as well, bringing me to the next relationship I am seeking guidance with.

A and I have recently begun speaking and seeing each other on a limited basis, basically testing the waters to see if it's possible to have a future together. The end of Phase 1 was pretty intense on both sides. I ran like hell, stopping to turn back to see if she was still chasing me. For a time she was until she became exhausted herself and frankly, who could blame her? As the summer progressed, I had what can only be described as some sort of moment of clarity-I don't recall anyone else putting forth so much effort in order to be with me. As recent talks with her have gotten a little...well, complex, we know that if we take things one day at a time we can figure this all out.

Tonight marks the last night of "Liampalooza 2007" and by this time tomorrow I will once again be alone in this one bedroom apartment. This summer more than any other in recent memory has made me aware of the bubble that I choose to remain in when Liam stays with me. Priorities shift, regular interactions with friends become irregular. We have our own little world, father and son, that I am more than happy to remain in as long as I can. To make the effort to step outside of this bubble back into the "real world" gets harder and harder each time I end my summer with Liam, but talking to him tonight did make it easier. I'm sure tomorrow I will be a mess.