Back at it

After a good two years since my last "real" blog (not including the ones I sometimes post on Myspace), recent events have prompted me to get at it again.

Here I am, up way past my bedtime drinking a mocha having just gone over this year's Lollapalooza schedule and trying not too think too much (easier said than done). I've recently gone back into therapy, having abandoned the idea back in 2002 after my first few months of sobriety. In talking to a friend of mine about some relationship woes, it was assumed that I went into therapy after my father died as a way of helping to deal with my grief. When I mentioned that no, I had not sought professional help on the matter, he highly recommended that I at least give it a shot.

Tonight was my second session and a few things were brought to the surface, namely my difficulty in distinguishing the end of a relationship-in this case a romantic one. At what point do you realize that the person you are with just isn't compatible? How much are you willing to give, willing to take from it? How hard are you supposed to work on something before you give up? In my case, I chose to freeze up when the pressure got to be too much to bear-perhaps undue pressure I was placing on myself but a feeling of pressure nonetheless. I felt pressured to be someone who I wasn't. As a result I was not emotionally available and was not able to meet certain emotional needs.

At this point I can continue to beat myself up over what I didn't do or because I stayed too long in a doomed relationship; I could also choose to move ahead and work toward becoming a better person and let whatever happens, happen. I think I'll choose the latter.