Not so deep thoughts

Good times at the Black Mountain show last night, even if they did play too many new songs. Did my best not to dwell too much on earlier thoughts/decisions/discussions. Needless to say, it's affected my writing. Leave it to a messy breakup to inspire me; it sure beats trying to write something positive when I'm clearly not in that frame of mind and haven't been in several weeks.

Got an e-mail from D. letting me know she'll be in town tomorrow for the bachelor/bachelorette party that night and made plans to get together for early dinner. The Methadones are playing Saturday night so perhaps some of the old gang will meet up. It will be good to reconnect.

Time for a rethink

Never in a million years would I have thought that my ability to open up at meetings would be compromised, but recent events lead me to believe this may be the case. Regardless, it's left a bad taste in my mouth and whether it's a good idea or not, I believe a change in scenery-certain people, places and things-may be in order. Yes, this is my ego talking, and my motives are based on resentment. Whatever, I am going march to a different beat for now and see where it takes me. I don't expect you to follow, so I won't look behind me.

The Truth (I swear)

Just back from a drummerless practice (played to some prerecorded drum tracks). New songs are shaping up nicely and should make for a great first few shows. Had to pass on playing J's bachelor party this friday as our drummer will be out of commission, but I plan on heading out to Wrigleyville after my meeting to help celebrate. Looking forward to seeing some more friends who I haven't seen in ages.

I made the decision yesterday to pass on B's wedding. From a practical standpoint, the distance is a bit far and going solo along with my automotive luck, I guess I assume the worst would happen. Save for a bit of catching up with an old friend and the wedding of course, a huge factor was spending some qt with A., and well...I don't think I'll be seeing her anytime soon.

There, I'm doing it again. Why the bitterness? I should be grateful that she's addressing her issues; I should be doing more of the same. My life has reached the point of unmanagability that I actually lied to A. about almost drinking because I was angry at her for her despair and wanted to make her feel even shittier. How fucked up is that? Talk about being sick...

I've decided to pass on The Twilight Sad this week due to band rehearsal and also to avoid running into A. It's real easy for me to talk about how shitty our relationship had become and that it had no real potential (I just really couldn't see the "happily ever after" scenario-we're just way too different), but I know full well that seeing her in the flesh will stir up all sorts of emotions, and I'm just not ready for that.

Time to catch up on some DVR'd programming.

Heredity

I had that dream again
The one that reassured me that it's going to be ok
But still I'm not convinced
Not when my handle on relationships has never been more weak

The way you were removed from me
The grief I feel can consume me at its worst
I'm at the breaking point
I still can hear
All the corny jokes you used to tell
And what I wouldn't give to laugh

And I thought you saw me at my worst
I'm beaten down
I need you to help me up and offer me the guidance
That I was all too prone to ignore
You took me back and never shut the door

Do you look down and see
This broken family
And all the stress they've put on me?
Your younger sons aren't speaking now
My anniversary and all it means to me
The last time I ever heard your words

I know this isn't right
I'm cold as ice
And I could use some sound advice
I feel as though I might buckle from the weight
I carry all this guilt
I hate how you were killed

I'm trying hard to get it right
To gain perspective and insight
I'm tired of shouldering the blame
and I miss you all the same

And I miss you all the same

Friday night recap

These Saturday mornings here at work sure crawl at a snail's pace. The first 90 minutes seem like an eternity.

Last night's Ulrich Schnauss/Airiel show at the Beat Kitchen was great, and the fact that I got in for free (Thanks, J) and was out of there by 9:30PM made it even better. There's something about seeing some ambient/electronic music live with some killer screen projections that enables me to get lost in an almost trance-like state. I actually danced, too, believe it or not. Airiel, a band going on 10 years, seemed to have really made their presence felt with their new record so I expect big things for them in the future. Fans of the early 90's shoegazer movement would be wise to check them out. I also plan on seeing them next month at the Empty Bottle with Adam Franklin.

Walking out to my car post-show, I got a call from Liam telling me all about his first school dance. He was bumming earlier that day that he didn't have a ride to school later than night but a friend came through for him. I was instantly amazed, impressed, and anxious as I listened to him tell me of the two girls that liked him and that he asked the one he liked better to dance (to some song called "Soulja Boy"?). As he gets older, I realize how important it is for me to instill in him a sense of respect for women, though I suspect living in a house primarily made up of the opposite sex he's already been given some "pointers". Nevertheless, I want him to go about any potential future relationships the right way (as opposed to the way I've gone about things).

I ended my night with coffee with some program friends, with plans to meet up on a more regular basis. Now more than ever, it's important to surround myself with people that don't judge me for mistakes that I've made. I'm slowly beginning to crawl out of that stage where I continue to beat myself up over past mistakes. I am not perfect; nobody is. I can only learn from the mistakes I've made and with a strong program to work from I can regain my confidence. Anger aside (and I am not trying to belittle the anger-I know that I have to really get that under control), I am starting to see that the fallout of my relationship with A was based in part on the realization that I really didn't see a potential future in the relationship anymore, which is sad considering a good portion of the past 7 months were quite enjoyable, and that Lollapalooza weekend will be tough to beat.

As she was fond of saying, it is what it is...

Thursday thoughts

Leaving shortly for Schubas to catch Gruff Rhys, knowing full well I should probably stay in and catch up on some much needed sleep. It's been awhile since I've seen some good music live, the last show being Editors at the Park West 2-1/2 weeks before (ok, not that long ago). Looking back, that was probably the last night I was truly happy with A., the fallout being a few days later. Loving looks and arm scratching soon turned into more emotional shutdowns (certainly not the first time for me), combined with resentment and an all too strong of an urge to run like hell. I suppose I should thank A. for deciding that enough was enough; it became clear that I do not have the energy or the emotional wherewithal to maintain a relationship with her, and chances were pretty good that I would have made the call to end the relationship myself in matter of days.

This past Tuesday I met with someone who I am confident will be a great sponsor. It's clear that the less effort I put into my program, the more my life became unmanageable and with some "gentle prodding" from good friends, I finally made the call to ask for help (ok, it was an e-mail). Going forward, I will listen and take the suggestions offered to me and one day at a time, I will get back on track. Let's just hope I can keep the ever so powerful urge to isolate to a minimum.

This weekend brings me to Ulrich Schnauss and Airiel at the Beat Kitchen, as well as an overnight with Liam in lieu of my missing him the coming weekend. Sunday is Boris with Michio Kurihara at the Empty Bottle (really looking forward to this one) as part of Wire Magazine's Adventures In Modern Music.

...and my babbling blog has made me late for the show!

Tack

As so happens to be the case with most breakups, I find myself turning to some old school punk rock for inspiration. While storing away ideas for future Zero To Sixty lyrics, I thought I'd share some words by an old inspiration, the Descendents:

Cause I finally burned out
Been kicking myself for way too long
Finally found out
What it feels like to be living a lie
Wasting my time I realized
Wishing I was in another world

Taking a new tack
Gotta turn my back to turn back
I don't wanna close doors
But I don't wanna feel this way anymore
So I'm finding my way out
By turning away from a brickwall