Hindsight

Yesterday's debut show with the new band exceeded my expectations. Not that I was terribly skeptical, I just didn't expect the amount of people to show up and stay that late (we went on just before midnight), way out in Franklin Park of all places. Ironically enough, myself and D. admitted to being quite nervous minutes before we played; a feeling that soon diminished-for me at least-about halfway through our first song.

Throughout the night, I couldn't help but think how different things would've been if I was still with A. I more than likely would have spent most of the night a wreck, making sure she was being paid attention to and avoiding any and all contact with the female sex (because that would be flirting, wouldn't it?). This would have no doubt made for a sub-par performance on my part. Thankfully the frustration and resentment of the past few months are history and I can go forward and be myself.

Full

Back from a late dinner at Kuma's Corner with music provided by friends Seventh Rule Recordings. I had an entertaining chat with L. while there and made tentative plans to meet next week for dinner and a show at The Note (one of Chicago's finest, Sweet Cobra along with San Diego's spacey Earthless). Tonight's therapy was thought provoking to say the least. I shared my need for independence-from relationships and the program especially. I've questioned whether or not my need to remain in the program is based on making my parents-especially my deceased father-happy, as if Dad himself is looking down and shaking his finger at me in disapproval. As I've mentioned, I've felt disconnected from the rooms for some time-before summer began and I didn't feel the same coming back to the city meetings. No, it's not the case of people "calling me on my shit" as it was so pointed out (the phrase "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" immediately springs to mind). Again, I've made mistakes; I've admitted as much, and yes there's certainly an element of embarrassment over some of my actions. I can't beat myself up over this crap anymore. I am moving on and doing so in a way that I'm comfortable with.

Is there anything wrong with just wanting to get out there and enjoy what life has to offer? I can certainly do so sober, and if I want to flirt to my heart's content, is that not my prerogative (no Bobby Brown, jokes!)? You're damn right it is.

Pause (just because)

Old habits die hard and rushing headfirst has done me no good. Once again, I begin damage control and hope for the best. The bitterness of weeks past has seemingly subsided and I exhale deeper with each loss cut. I have no need for fair weather friends, no matter how long I've known them.

Truth is, I have not felt like I could be myself in those basements in quite some time. I've felt much more relaxed telling my thoughts to a select few and only only two of them are people in recovery. I am not comfortable talking to them at present as I'd rather do without the lecture, but I hope that can be reconciled soon enough.

Lunch in the 'burbs with D. this afternoon only further solidified what a great friend she really is. The open and honest discussions that we have are quite refreshing and unlike most conversations I've had with the people I've connected with in the past few years. I need more people like her in my life.

Countdown to Zero to Sixty's debut: 4 days. I can't think of a time musically that I've been this excited since the early days of 88FL. We are on a roll and I personally cannot wait to see where this goes.

Bam, Motherfucker. Bam.

I'm at the tail end of the new Iron and Wine cd, The Shepherd's Dog, and I have to say I am quite surprised at how much I enjoy it. Sam Beam's voice is quite soothing and musically he seems to have taken a queue from his one-time backing band, Calexico (their collaboration, In The Reins having been my first real introduction to Beam save for his Postal Service cover on the Garden State soundtrack).

Thoroughly enjoyed dinner with D. and the gang earlier tonight at Kuma's Corner and afterwards we split a cab over to the Underground Lounge for the big celebration (J. and H. preferred having a show featuring some reunited bands in lieu of a bachelor/bachelorette party). I hadn't been there in a few years, when the venue was named Magoo's Underground Lounge and K. and I went there for some live band karaoke (I owned and still own Billy Joel's "You May Be Right", thank you.). The air of nostalgia was more than welcome as old friends reunited and the alcohol flowed (yours truly scored some free Red Bull from the bar-thanks, C.). In true Denis fashion, I ducked out as the drunk became drunker and my eyes became heavier. Made a quick stop to the Pick Me Up Cafe for a mocha and headed home with plans to meet up with D. tomorrow night after an early dinner at Mom's.

Ah, I hear the bed's calling my name.

Not so deep thoughts

Good times at the Black Mountain show last night, even if they did play too many new songs. Did my best not to dwell too much on earlier thoughts/decisions/discussions. Needless to say, it's affected my writing. Leave it to a messy breakup to inspire me; it sure beats trying to write something positive when I'm clearly not in that frame of mind and haven't been in several weeks.

Got an e-mail from D. letting me know she'll be in town tomorrow for the bachelor/bachelorette party that night and made plans to get together for early dinner. The Methadones are playing Saturday night so perhaps some of the old gang will meet up. It will be good to reconnect.

Time for a rethink

Never in a million years would I have thought that my ability to open up at meetings would be compromised, but recent events lead me to believe this may be the case. Regardless, it's left a bad taste in my mouth and whether it's a good idea or not, I believe a change in scenery-certain people, places and things-may be in order. Yes, this is my ego talking, and my motives are based on resentment. Whatever, I am going march to a different beat for now and see where it takes me. I don't expect you to follow, so I won't look behind me.

The Truth (I swear)

Just back from a drummerless practice (played to some prerecorded drum tracks). New songs are shaping up nicely and should make for a great first few shows. Had to pass on playing J's bachelor party this friday as our drummer will be out of commission, but I plan on heading out to Wrigleyville after my meeting to help celebrate. Looking forward to seeing some more friends who I haven't seen in ages.

I made the decision yesterday to pass on B's wedding. From a practical standpoint, the distance is a bit far and going solo along with my automotive luck, I guess I assume the worst would happen. Save for a bit of catching up with an old friend and the wedding of course, a huge factor was spending some qt with A., and well...I don't think I'll be seeing her anytime soon.

There, I'm doing it again. Why the bitterness? I should be grateful that she's addressing her issues; I should be doing more of the same. My life has reached the point of unmanagability that I actually lied to A. about almost drinking because I was angry at her for her despair and wanted to make her feel even shittier. How fucked up is that? Talk about being sick...

I've decided to pass on The Twilight Sad this week due to band rehearsal and also to avoid running into A. It's real easy for me to talk about how shitty our relationship had become and that it had no real potential (I just really couldn't see the "happily ever after" scenario-we're just way too different), but I know full well that seeing her in the flesh will stir up all sorts of emotions, and I'm just not ready for that.

Time to catch up on some DVR'd programming.