Return

Here I am, back at the apartment and slightly restless. For someone who is not the hugest fan of change, it barely took a day for me to not only get comfortable sleeping in River Grove, but in no time at all this committed cat lover took to his temporary canine ward like a bee takes to honey.

Restless still as I know I will be ensconced in Park Ridge in just a few weeks and of course I've done nothing in terms of packing. Hell, all I know is that I need to be up that way; I'm still looking at places, including a 2BR condo for rent that I'll be checking out later today. I never did much to make my present apartment all that "homely", as anyone who's popped up here within the past year and a half can attest to.

My return Northwest should only be seen as a positive change. The Boy will be in a great school district, I'm still relatively close to public transportation (which I plan on relying on more and more for work), and hell, it's an area I am comfortable with.

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In lieu of his family's cancelled trip to SC, I'm flying my son home for a week. His plane gets in early Saturday morning and I think my ex believes I bought such a ticket intentionally so she would have to get to the airport at the ungodly hour of 5:30am. He is flying as an unaccompanied minor which causes no small amount of anxiety on my end, but I figure this will be the first of many trips from here to MN, and naturally his initial flight solo will be the most worrisome.

This Saturday is Day 2 of Taste Of Randolph and I'd very much like to catch Bobby Bare Jr. and Drive-By Truckers. Guess we'll see if we're up for it. A co-worker of mine has a place just a stone's throw from the festival and will most likely meet up with us.

With the Lollapalooza's schedule finally being released this week, I've run into little to no scheduling conflicts. Rather, the main conflict (Gutter Twins vs. Foals, Broken Social Scene vs. Battles) will be solved with the Foals/Battles aftershow at Double Door. Whew. Much as I love Explosions In The Sky, I've seen them already and I refuse to miss Brand New. So there. Oh, and RATM vs. Wilco? No contest-the AT&T Stage can have all the angst/beer-fueled boneheads; I'll be seeing Wilco, thanks.

Lollapalooza (and Pitchfork Music Festival for that matter) should prove to be a different experience altogether this year as there will be zero regrets concerning who I end my nights with. There will be no kicking myself for compromising when I swore I'd never go through that again, no nagging thoughts in the midst of temporarily satisfying companionship that I am making a colossal mistake. I am fully aware that in the midst of several thousand people, I will be reminded just how small of a city Chicago is, and that's fine. If I can run into my ex-fiancee after 5 years (as I did at the Mark Kozelek show recently), I can handle anyone. Who knows? I may just find the whole thing amusing.

Life in the 708

Four days into my ten day stay at Precision's place in River Grove. The dog and I have become fast friends and I am happy to report I walk the dog and not the other way around. Coming into work via I 290 East sucks (45 minutes one way; yes I've been spoiled by my 20 minute morning commute from my apartment) but it is only for the next week.


My wife may be moving back earlier than we thought possible if things in DuPage County work out. She may be back as early as mid-August (yes!). In lieu of this potential job with the DPC Sheriff, I've suspended the condo hunt and will most likely rent-again-for one final year. Afterwards I may-gasp-become a resident of DuPage County. Many things to consider with that choice.

Before The Boy comes back down from MN in August, D. and I have talked about taking our own vacation to NYC. I'd love to take in a show or two at McCarren Pool (among other things) and pretend I'm in Sex and The City (um...no thanks). If nothing else, an extended weekend is certainly feasible.

Life feels good when it's spent with those that take you for who you are.

One year ago-some perspective

One year ago I was a very angry man. I had basically walked out on what had turned into an incredibly volatile relationship. I had come to the realization that the woman that I had met just 3 months prior (and fell for pretty damn quickly) was not someone I was fit for after all. The differences, once refreshing, had left me distant. Rather than talk things out, I did what I learned to do in the years since my father's death-I bottled up my feelings, only to explode at a moment's notice. No amount of self help books or relationship retreats were going to save that relationship.

On May 16, 2007 I received some news at was basically thought of as "the worst possible time". Upon finding out she was pregnant (by phone while at work, though I'm sure she'd rather have told me in person), my entire body began to tremble and I headed to the bathroom where I promptly threw up. I didn't remember feeling this sick when my ex-wife told me she was pregnant (at that time, I remember being numb for a little under an hour; when it really hit me that I was going to be a father, I was thrilled). Almost immediately I entered some sort of self-preservation mode. I'm not sure if we were "officially" broken up at this point but I ran with that and rather than head over to the "ex's", I kept my concert plans with friends that first night. In the days and weeks following, I admittedly made some rather feeble attempts to check in, and anytime there was the slightest bit of conflict (which there invariably was), I got angry and ran out. How I managed a trip to CA with The Boy in the midst of this is beyond me, though I did manage to basically put the pregnancy out of my mind while there. That's a talent I am not particularly proud of.

One year ago today the pregnancy was terminated. I wasn't allowed at the hospital for fear of an outburst. Can't say I blame her. I can't begin to know what it's like to go through that procedure and the grief before, during and after, but I am sad regardless. Sad at the loss and at myself for not being strong enough to offer support, no matter how small.

Random

The Boy will be heading up to MN this Sunday as his stepdad got the paperwork he needed. This means I'll get an overnight Friday with him, dropping him off on the way to my bassist's wedding Saturday afternoon. This extended time with my son means there's only two weeks until he's back here for a week while his other family heads to SC.

Tonight while celebrating my brother's birthday, there was a heated discussion involving the way he is perceived by his nephew. Evidently my bro has been bothered that my son seems to talk to him like he's someone on the playground and not as a nephew should speak to his uncle. I felt foolish and completely oblivious in the past as I just assumed my brother was "in on the joke". No wonder he didn't get a hold of me to catch Iron Man (hell yes) or the new Indiana Jones movie (aliens? Come on now.). This situation can and must be remedied when The Boy comes to stay for good.

D. will be coming into town in October to take a test for some work in DuPage County. If all goes well, she'll be back for good by the holidays though we do plan on living separately to give her daughter time to adjust and father and son to maintain their QT together. Still, having my wife in the same state will certainly be a relief. I am so fortunate that things have been going as well as they have been since the wedding. I almost wish I married D. years ago; it certainly would have spared me some of the indignation and drama of the past couple of years. That said, I do believe I needed to fuck up in order to grow and learn from such mistakes. I am a much better person having been through all that nonsense.

With a new hardrive installed in the laptop, I am back to downloading music. Recent findings have been the new Melvins, Oceansize, some old Seaweed, the new Hold Steady and Gemma Hayes. More downloading means less stops at Reckless (duh) as I attempt to pinch every penny I can to gear up for the move. I have my work cut out for me.

Little triggers

Tonight I was set to see The Boy one last time before he headed up to MN for the summer, but due to a delay in closing their house, he is going to see through to the end of this school year in Illinois and possible another 1-2 weeks while his stepdad waits on their buyer to get all cleared up. Stoked. Speaking of financial snafus, I have some of my own to contend with based on the credit report I've read. With any luck I can work on getting some of this crap cleared in the next several weeks. What's galling to me is a delinquent child support payment from years ago. YEARS! Now I may not be the most frugal of folks, but barring any periods of unemployment I always made sure to send money (I paid cash for a time there; that's what may be slapping me now). I'll get there...

I've been asked to dog/house sit for Precision while he takes his girlfriend and her kids to FL for ten days next month. Since I owe the man big time, I figured it was the least I could do, even if it does mean staying in River Grove. I'll have a bitchin' plasma tv and a jacuzzi which seem to make up for the out of the way commute into work during that period.

Tonight is D.'s last night here, so I'm heading out to Lincoln Square for dinner and a movie. Maybe I should bring some mace in case we get jumped?

Getting the love...I mean property...you want

For the past few weeks, I've been attempting to get my finances (read: credit) on the right track in order to qualify for a decent mortgage. We know the city we want (Park Ridge); it's also a matter of finding a property in the price range I've set up. Thankfully, there are a few that look good and are fairly centrally located (close to school and the Blue Line-with gas as high as it's been, I plan on commuting at least half the work week). I've begun work with a recommended mortgage broker and hopefully will have a plan of action in place this week. I hope to be in some new digs come mid July, in order to meet the residency requirement needed to enroll The Boy in school. If need be, I'm told that as long as I have the contracts signed for the condo, I can legally use Mom's address as temporary residence at the time of school registration. Whew.

My ex-wife has seemingly turned the past 5-6 years of "friendly civility" on its head, resorting to the same immaturity that colored the first few years after the divorce. She seems to be punishing The Boy for his decision to come live with me and continues to make veiled threats if things concerning his schooling and living arrangements are not done to her liking. While we initially agreed to a one year trial in regards to The Boy's living arrangements, I've started to think that I'll need to file for full custody sooner than that. Throughout all this, I can't help but think of all the times no one looked at my son's schoolwork because my ex was too "wiped out" (from cutting hair), and had enough on her plate with her younger daughter. Virtually any suggestion I made was met with "I don't need you to tell me how to parent my children". Okay...

D.'s been in town since early last week and in the midst of all the back and forth to see family (scattered all over, from Chicago to Elburn to Winfield to New Lenox), we've managed to use our time rather...creatively. In addition to seeing me onstage for the first time in over 10 years, D. and I spent some time with her siblings in Lincoln Square (no, the irony was not lost on me, especially considering the proximity) this past weekend. While stuck here at work today, she's in Elburn for her sister's baby shower. Talking about the shower itself, in addition to her brother's newborn son, we realized there's a little bit of "baby fever" in the air. We'd certainly want to plan for a baby very carefully (2-3 years minimum), and I love knowing that I can potentially conceive with someone I know shares the same values I do. She is an amazing mother and I very much look forward to taking that journey with her.

Monday-the new Sunday

For the month of May (and possibly longer), I've gone back to working two Saturdays a month and gave myself Mondays off during such work weeks. I've also interviewed for the Lead Rep position in a department I'll be heading shortly which, among other things, has me making schedules for myself and those underneath me. The months of hammering the point home that my present manager has no fucking concept of what I do have finally paid off.

Yesterday, The Boy and I headed down to Wicker Park for lunch at Earwax, followed by a performance by Paul Green's School Of Rock playing classic metal. Wouldn't you know it-their cover of "Raining Blood" by Slayer got the most response. Ran into V., who was there with her teenage son. I hadn't seen her in a few years and oddly enough, she...er, smelled the same (she's been wearing the same perfume for 15 years or so now). JB was there as well, as he is now working for the talent company who books at the Subterranean as well as the Beat Kitchen.

Just under a month to go before The Boy heads to MN for the summer. Although I will have him for 1-1/2 weeks come late June and then from August onwards, I am gonna miss him like crazy and plan on making every minute count with the remaining weekends we have left.

I had debated on telling him about the wedding this soon, but seeing a how...er, not so smooth my telling his mom went (I'm sure I'll blog about this soon enough), I figured I'd better tell him before he "accidentally" overhears it coming from her. His first reaction upon learning the news Friday night was that of disbelief; I wasn't wearing my ring as it was getting re-sized (got it back Saturday afternoon-yes!), but when he realized I wasn't joking he really did seem genuinely happy. He repeated what so many other of my close friends and family members have told me the past few years: that I was never happier than I was when I was with D. Hearing that coming from friends and family, sure-it's nice to hear, but from your own son? Whoa. It's no secret that I could have used a bit more discretion in introducing him to some of my exes. Not that there was a revolving door or anything like that-I just knew there were some women that I had no business being with, but in my quest to find...stability or whatever you can call it, I did things that I wouldn't normally have done.

Thinking about getting the car detailed today. It's sorely needed, especially after the boot. The last thing I want to do is to roll up to my aunt's next Sunday with marker written all over my car.