Wow, what a roller coaster of emotion the past day and half has been. Opening up in therapy yesterday about my dad; my frustration that I seem to grieve for him just as much now if not more than at the time of his death (3 years gone this month). Trying to figure out how his death ties into my current relationships (be they familial or otherwise), I need help figuring out why I want to keep running away and/or pushing away those that love me; I need to differentiate between loving guidance and "being attacked". Last night's session brought me that much closer to understanding all of this, though I know I still have my work cut out for me.
A call to mi madre later last night turned into another outpouring of emotion as I admitted how out of touch I felt with my family. I've been resentful at them for making virtually zero effort (save for my youngest brother) to see Liam. This turned into admitting that I just feel lost in general and how I wished Dad was here to offer guidance. The urge to run was so strong last night but I stayed; an e-mail or two to ALH helped as well, bringing me to the next relationship I am seeking guidance with.
A and I have recently begun speaking and seeing each other on a limited basis, basically testing the waters to see if it's possible to have a future together. The end of Phase 1 was pretty intense on both sides. I ran like hell, stopping to turn back to see if she was still chasing me. For a time she was until she became exhausted herself and frankly, who could blame her? As the summer progressed, I had what can only be described as some sort of moment of clarity-I don't recall anyone else putting forth so much effort in order to be with me. As recent talks with her have gotten a little...well, complex, we know that if we take things one day at a time we can figure this all out.
Tonight marks the last night of "Liampalooza 2007" and by this time tomorrow I will once again be alone in this one bedroom apartment. This summer more than any other in recent memory has made me aware of the bubble that I choose to remain in when Liam stays with me. Priorities shift, regular interactions with friends become irregular. We have our own little world, father and son, that I am more than happy to remain in as long as I can. To make the effort to step outside of this bubble back into the "real world" gets harder and harder each time I end my summer with Liam, but talking to him tonight did make it easier. I'm sure tomorrow I will be a mess.
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2 comments:
No wonder you aren't at work today. I wanted to tell you all about my exciting day, but now realize you probably need an emotional life jacket. Don't worry, I still have you stalked.
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