Heredity

I had that dream again
The one that reassured me that it's going to be ok
But still I'm not convinced
Not when my handle on relationships has never been more weak

The way you were removed from me
The grief I feel can consume me at its worst
I'm at the breaking point
I still can hear
All the corny jokes you used to tell
And what I wouldn't give to laugh

And I thought you saw me at my worst
I'm beaten down
I need you to help me up and offer me the guidance
That I was all too prone to ignore
You took me back and never shut the door

Do you look down and see
This broken family
And all the stress they've put on me?
Your younger sons aren't speaking now
My anniversary and all it means to me
The last time I ever heard your words

I know this isn't right
I'm cold as ice
And I could use some sound advice
I feel as though I might buckle from the weight
I carry all this guilt
I hate how you were killed

I'm trying hard to get it right
To gain perspective and insight
I'm tired of shouldering the blame
and I miss you all the same

And I miss you all the same

Friday night recap

These Saturday mornings here at work sure crawl at a snail's pace. The first 90 minutes seem like an eternity.

Last night's Ulrich Schnauss/Airiel show at the Beat Kitchen was great, and the fact that I got in for free (Thanks, J) and was out of there by 9:30PM made it even better. There's something about seeing some ambient/electronic music live with some killer screen projections that enables me to get lost in an almost trance-like state. I actually danced, too, believe it or not. Airiel, a band going on 10 years, seemed to have really made their presence felt with their new record so I expect big things for them in the future. Fans of the early 90's shoegazer movement would be wise to check them out. I also plan on seeing them next month at the Empty Bottle with Adam Franklin.

Walking out to my car post-show, I got a call from Liam telling me all about his first school dance. He was bumming earlier that day that he didn't have a ride to school later than night but a friend came through for him. I was instantly amazed, impressed, and anxious as I listened to him tell me of the two girls that liked him and that he asked the one he liked better to dance (to some song called "Soulja Boy"?). As he gets older, I realize how important it is for me to instill in him a sense of respect for women, though I suspect living in a house primarily made up of the opposite sex he's already been given some "pointers". Nevertheless, I want him to go about any potential future relationships the right way (as opposed to the way I've gone about things).

I ended my night with coffee with some program friends, with plans to meet up on a more regular basis. Now more than ever, it's important to surround myself with people that don't judge me for mistakes that I've made. I'm slowly beginning to crawl out of that stage where I continue to beat myself up over past mistakes. I am not perfect; nobody is. I can only learn from the mistakes I've made and with a strong program to work from I can regain my confidence. Anger aside (and I am not trying to belittle the anger-I know that I have to really get that under control), I am starting to see that the fallout of my relationship with A was based in part on the realization that I really didn't see a potential future in the relationship anymore, which is sad considering a good portion of the past 7 months were quite enjoyable, and that Lollapalooza weekend will be tough to beat.

As she was fond of saying, it is what it is...

Thursday thoughts

Leaving shortly for Schubas to catch Gruff Rhys, knowing full well I should probably stay in and catch up on some much needed sleep. It's been awhile since I've seen some good music live, the last show being Editors at the Park West 2-1/2 weeks before (ok, not that long ago). Looking back, that was probably the last night I was truly happy with A., the fallout being a few days later. Loving looks and arm scratching soon turned into more emotional shutdowns (certainly not the first time for me), combined with resentment and an all too strong of an urge to run like hell. I suppose I should thank A. for deciding that enough was enough; it became clear that I do not have the energy or the emotional wherewithal to maintain a relationship with her, and chances were pretty good that I would have made the call to end the relationship myself in matter of days.

This past Tuesday I met with someone who I am confident will be a great sponsor. It's clear that the less effort I put into my program, the more my life became unmanageable and with some "gentle prodding" from good friends, I finally made the call to ask for help (ok, it was an e-mail). Going forward, I will listen and take the suggestions offered to me and one day at a time, I will get back on track. Let's just hope I can keep the ever so powerful urge to isolate to a minimum.

This weekend brings me to Ulrich Schnauss and Airiel at the Beat Kitchen, as well as an overnight with Liam in lieu of my missing him the coming weekend. Sunday is Boris with Michio Kurihara at the Empty Bottle (really looking forward to this one) as part of Wire Magazine's Adventures In Modern Music.

...and my babbling blog has made me late for the show!

Tack

As so happens to be the case with most breakups, I find myself turning to some old school punk rock for inspiration. While storing away ideas for future Zero To Sixty lyrics, I thought I'd share some words by an old inspiration, the Descendents:

Cause I finally burned out
Been kicking myself for way too long
Finally found out
What it feels like to be living a lie
Wasting my time I realized
Wishing I was in another world

Taking a new tack
Gotta turn my back to turn back
I don't wanna close doors
But I don't wanna feel this way anymore
So I'm finding my way out
By turning away from a brickwall

Impassive aggressive

Something D. told me last night struck me as initially offensive: "don't define your self-worth by whether or not you have a significant other to show off". I had been talking to her about how after my relationship with A. collapsed I was initially reluctant to attend my reunion and the upcoming wedding of a good friend of mine by myself. I hate when she's right, but it's her pull-no-punches brand of advice that I need the most, especially now when it's all too easy to throw myself yet another pity party. Sure, the drive up to Wisconsin is 6 hours one way, but it's not as if I don't have enough music to listen to. Attending the wedding solo also means not having to worry about anyone else but myself, and I relish the idea of being a little selfish.

Dinner tonight with B. was refreshing; after realizing that we had several mutual friends, we agreed to finally meet up after I dropped The Boy off. No preconcieved notions, no pretense-just 2 people having dinner and realizing we had more than a few things in common. I frankly don't see the harm in making new friends while in the process of working on myself.

Reunions

Just back from my 20 year grade school reunion, and any hesitation I had about showing up solo vanished pretty quickly once I discovered that, with few exceptions, most came by themselves. It was interesting to see how everyone had changed (in appearance if not necessarily in behavior). Word of my musical exploits reached many as I attempted to catch folks up on what I'd been up to all this time. Most seemed surprised that I had a 12 year old son, and I was surprised myself that some of my former classmates' kids were attending our old school and being taught by some of the very same teachers that we had. I found myself mildly aggravated when a few people asked "Are you married? Not anymore? Dating? Just haven't found the right one?" Err...yeah, something like that. I'm sure they meant well. As the night went on, those moderately buzzed turned borderline belligerent and I made my exit.

Minutes before walking into the reunion, I received word that a friend of mine in the program had been hospitalized. Details are scarce at this point and, as my name was on a short list of people she'd like to talk to, I hope to speak with her at some point tomorrow. Hearing this pretty much puts whatever feelings of loneliness and frustration I have to shame.

Rewind

Here I am back to where I was at the start of the summer. This time I will really work on myself. I will pick up the tools that are laid out for me and make use of them. I want to be happy; I want the serenity that so many of my friends have. I want to honor each emotion that is brought up and not continue to stuff it back in out of fear of being seen as weak or upsetting the person closest to me.

I want to be able to part of a relationship and not be ashamed. I want to be open and honest. I want something complex without the drama, be it self-made or otherwise. I will begin to clean up my side of the street and maintain it.

This break is seemingly overwhelming but absolutely necessary.

Isolation

I have spent the past 1-1/2 days talking to very few and have come to enjoy it. Reacting to words said Friday night gave me the ammo I needed to shut down. I missed the days of only answering to myself. Writing and music and thinking. Lots and lots and LOTS of thinking.

Today will involve more of the same and that's exactly how I want it. I've said I'm doing this for clarity, but the bottom line is I don't want to think about any of it anymore. A meeting or two would do me some good, but it's bound to be only temporary. I'll be counting down the minutes until I can get back home and begin this cycle all over again.

I May Hate You Sometimes

Lyrics by The Posies


Here we are--only been a couple of years
Maybe longer
Yes it's true--i'm no good at being the strong man
You're stronger
But I think--maybe you should take a good look
At my feelings
Can't you see--i'm another one just like you
A human being

I don't want to have to sacrifice to have to get along
I don't ever want to be the one to say I'm wrong
I may hate you sometimes, but I'll always love you

What did you say--it's so hard for me to remember
What you meant
How did it happen--was it preconcieved
Or a complete accident
I still recall--we were once happy together
Smiling faces
But things have changed--and now you're only happy when
I remember where my place is

I don't want to have to live up to your expectations
I don't ever want to be the one to end relations
I may hate...

Do you think you could treat me
Like somebody special
I can't be everything to everybody
Could I at least be something to you?

Don't look so surprised--i'm a little smarter
Than every other weakling
Say no more--i know exactly what you're going to say
Without you speaking
A familiar phrase--i've heard it said often before
Please forgive me
Don't be a fool--if I can't live with myself
How could you live with me?

Now that I'm filled with emotion you're dispassionate
You only live for yourself while I live to regret
But don't ever think that I could easily forget
Because I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
I said that I would but now I know that I won't
And the chance of being right is looking kind of remote
I may hate you sometimes (x3)
But I'll always love you
I may hate you sometimes but I'll always love you

Far beyond aggravated

Here we go again-that feeling that it's going to get worse and worse. Throwing in the towel makes me a coward; hanging in there only leads to more anger and frustration. I asked this very same question at the start of June: when is enough truly enough?

I have neither the ways nor the means nor the energy to answer that question right now. This overthinking, pessimistic bastard is going to bed.