Insert catchy title here

Nothing like a trip to Borders to zone out and reflect on another weekend. Friday began with a trip to Chicago Comics before meeting up with N. at the Chicago Diner. It's nice to know that I can be friends with a vegetarian who's tolerant of my...er, carnivorous appetite. That said, after months of eating vegetarian for most of the week, I had developed a fondness for some of the fake meat dishes and N. was surprised at my recommendation to go to the Diner. Part of my reason was out of a courtesy to her, the other (referring to my last post) being that I need to hit old "haunts" and make new memories. Stomachs full, we headed to the Metro to catch Minus The Bear and to meet up with K. Openers Grand Archives and The Helio Sequence were fantastic (I'm a longtime fan of the latter), and by the time MTB came on the room looked surprisingly full to capacity. What was even more surprising was the high level of "jockness" in the venue-what does the dopey, beer-swilling football fan make of the band? Did they show up, drop $19.00 in the hopes of getting laid? Who knows...all I know is that the band themselves clearly soaked up the large crowd and encouraged all manner of hand clapping. This was not the band I caught just a few years ago, and while their new album is quite good, I was a little turned off by the spectacle of it all. I may think twice about catching them live again anytime soon.

Saturday afternoon I drove like mad to make it to J. and H.'s wedding in Naperville. While it was quite a beautiful and unique ceremony (complete with black Chuck Taylors for the groomsmen!), I got all sentimental and thoughts drifted to my own wedding and how I hope to find that perfect person to walk down the aisle with (cue barfing). I was happy to see D. again who was in the party. While we didn't have much time to hang (I elected not to go to the reception), she'll be back for Christmas. Later that night I headed to the Empty Bottle to catch the mighty Jesu and met with G. and the gang, with R. swinging by later.

Tonight I sit here, grateful for the friends I have and nostalgic for a few I have not spoken to in recent weeks. I'm just not ready to reach out to them at this point. Call it selfishness, call it cowardice-life goes on and I am content with the decision I made.

Meet the new haunts (same as the old haunts)

Talking about tonight's Queens Of The Stone Age show with G. today, it dawned on me that it would be my first time back at the Riviera since last Spring's Mastodon show which ended in a big blowout with A. That night, an accusation involving paying attention to a friend visiting from out of town who paid for our tickets turned into a screaming match on the venue's stairwell and A. storming out of the Riv altogether. I didn't immediately follow her because well, it was fucking Mastodon. I did nothing wrong aside from pretty much calling her an insecure nag and really didn't want to get into it with her yet again (by then we were very good at pushing the other's buttons). Several texts from her later (which I "didn't get because of poor cell service") and I was out of there myself, trying to break up with her on the way to my car (got a ticket to add to my frustration). My usual method of forgetting about A. drama used to begin with the deleting of texts and e-mails (I tended to shut down and she thought the best way to reach me would be through e-mail or by text messaging). One of the few times I did not delete-the next day, Mother's Day at my mom's-my brother picked up my phone and saw all the texts. Talk about embarassing.

Tonight I met L. at the Riv and had a great time. Seeing Queens live made me realize how sexy their music sounds. Tomorrow will involve dinner at another place that A. and I used to frequent. I refuse to avoid certain places anymore. It's time to create positive memories.

Wrap Up

With clear mind and an even clearer conscience, I can honestly say I had one of the best weekends in recent memory. Friday's High On Fire/Mono double threat was simply mind-blowing and my companions for the night made it that much more enjoyable. With M. feeling funny about the show, L. agreed to take the extra ticket (purchased what seemed like a lifetime ago) and met me down at the Double Door. I am happy to have turned her on to Mono and we made plans to meet up at this week's Queens Of The Stone Age show (another ticket dilemma solved!). Saturday I picked The Boy up and did our thing, hitting Target and spending time at Borders (there's a big shocker). That night we watched The Astronaut Farmer (even a "mainstream" Polish Brothers film is a treat). After taking care of some laundry, Sunday afternoon involved a trip to get Liam some Halloween vampire gear (some truly gory shit, no messing around with the kiddie stuff for my boy!). We then made it back home where I took a...um, power nap, woke up later than planned and then headed out to Romeoville to drop Buddy Boy off. My friends in Strung Out were gracious enough to set myself and the rest of ZTS up with VIP passes at their Metro show and I was able to make it down with 30 minutes or so to spare. I haven't seen the fellas since 1999 at what turned out to be the final 88FL show so it was good to see 'em and catch up.

Life is good without the old drama.

Cleaning house, slightly damp

Tonight's therapy was a breakthrough of sorts. For the first time since coming in (4 months or so now), I felt like I am really coming into my own; all the frustration, resentment and plain fear of the past giving way to a "new me". I generally feel less anxious and more optimistic about what lies ahead.

I have made some necessary adjustments in my life, some big and others not so much. I remain sober with no desire to pick up a drink as I know full well the consequences of what that would entail. I know one beer would never be enough and I would risk losing everything important to me in my life. While I do not regret for a minute my time in the program, I am starting to see how truly pejorative the term "dry drunk" really is:

Definition: A colloquial term generally used to describe someone who has stopped drinking, but who still demonstrates the same alcoholic behaviors and attitudes.
Also Known As: Dry, Not Sober

I've been accused by some of being a dry drunk because of my choice not to attend meetings and because they choose to believe the highly inflated stories my ex is telling them. Plain and simple-I made my mistakes, I've owned up to them and I've moved on. I am not an asshole. I stayed in a relationship that was destined to fail by sheer ideological differences alone. The fact that this past August I tried to pick up where things had left off in June only proved that I was an insecure man who wanted the comfort of a relationship, no matter how frustrated I was (when you start lying about family dinner because you wanted to eat meat, you know things are fucked).

I know that AA is there for me, should I choose to enter the rooms again. I will forever be grateful for the guidance given to me and while I can probably count the number of true friends I met in there on one hand, I am grateful for each and every person I came into contact with.

With that said, a benefit of this new phone and number is that I am able to weed out the people I do not interact with anymore. I will say there is a certain amount of shame in deleting people from my Myspace account as well, but let's face it-without the program I'm not how much-if any-I have in common with them.

I am glad I was able to share these thoughts with M. over coffee tonight and look forward to dinner with her on Friday. I am anxious about meeting up with V. tomorrow; he is a great friend, one of my closest, and I fear that my distancing from AA will drive us apart. I can only hope that we can meet as friends and not worry about the other baggage.

Superdrag and Sidekicks

Just back from one of the best shows I've seen this year-and I've seen a lot of shows! Superdrag are doing a handful of reunion shows in support of a double cd of rarities that just came out. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to see them as they split up right around the time I really got into them.

The Boy and I finally got practical and bought a plan through T Mobile, and as an incentive I was given a Sidekick for next to nothing. This shit rules.

My stinging eyes are telling me it's time for bed. Just as well-movie and lunch/early dinner with M. tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing The Darjeeling Limited.

Hindsight

Yesterday's debut show with the new band exceeded my expectations. Not that I was terribly skeptical, I just didn't expect the amount of people to show up and stay that late (we went on just before midnight), way out in Franklin Park of all places. Ironically enough, myself and D. admitted to being quite nervous minutes before we played; a feeling that soon diminished-for me at least-about halfway through our first song.

Throughout the night, I couldn't help but think how different things would've been if I was still with A. I more than likely would have spent most of the night a wreck, making sure she was being paid attention to and avoiding any and all contact with the female sex (because that would be flirting, wouldn't it?). This would have no doubt made for a sub-par performance on my part. Thankfully the frustration and resentment of the past few months are history and I can go forward and be myself.

Full

Back from a late dinner at Kuma's Corner with music provided by friends Seventh Rule Recordings. I had an entertaining chat with L. while there and made tentative plans to meet next week for dinner and a show at The Note (one of Chicago's finest, Sweet Cobra along with San Diego's spacey Earthless). Tonight's therapy was thought provoking to say the least. I shared my need for independence-from relationships and the program especially. I've questioned whether or not my need to remain in the program is based on making my parents-especially my deceased father-happy, as if Dad himself is looking down and shaking his finger at me in disapproval. As I've mentioned, I've felt disconnected from the rooms for some time-before summer began and I didn't feel the same coming back to the city meetings. No, it's not the case of people "calling me on my shit" as it was so pointed out (the phrase "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" immediately springs to mind). Again, I've made mistakes; I've admitted as much, and yes there's certainly an element of embarrassment over some of my actions. I can't beat myself up over this crap anymore. I am moving on and doing so in a way that I'm comfortable with.

Is there anything wrong with just wanting to get out there and enjoy what life has to offer? I can certainly do so sober, and if I want to flirt to my heart's content, is that not my prerogative (no Bobby Brown, jokes!)? You're damn right it is.

Pause (just because)

Old habits die hard and rushing headfirst has done me no good. Once again, I begin damage control and hope for the best. The bitterness of weeks past has seemingly subsided and I exhale deeper with each loss cut. I have no need for fair weather friends, no matter how long I've known them.

Truth is, I have not felt like I could be myself in those basements in quite some time. I've felt much more relaxed telling my thoughts to a select few and only only two of them are people in recovery. I am not comfortable talking to them at present as I'd rather do without the lecture, but I hope that can be reconciled soon enough.

Lunch in the 'burbs with D. this afternoon only further solidified what a great friend she really is. The open and honest discussions that we have are quite refreshing and unlike most conversations I've had with the people I've connected with in the past few years. I need more people like her in my life.

Countdown to Zero to Sixty's debut: 4 days. I can't think of a time musically that I've been this excited since the early days of 88FL. We are on a roll and I personally cannot wait to see where this goes.

Bam, Motherfucker. Bam.

I'm at the tail end of the new Iron and Wine cd, The Shepherd's Dog, and I have to say I am quite surprised at how much I enjoy it. Sam Beam's voice is quite soothing and musically he seems to have taken a queue from his one-time backing band, Calexico (their collaboration, In The Reins having been my first real introduction to Beam save for his Postal Service cover on the Garden State soundtrack).

Thoroughly enjoyed dinner with D. and the gang earlier tonight at Kuma's Corner and afterwards we split a cab over to the Underground Lounge for the big celebration (J. and H. preferred having a show featuring some reunited bands in lieu of a bachelor/bachelorette party). I hadn't been there in a few years, when the venue was named Magoo's Underground Lounge and K. and I went there for some live band karaoke (I owned and still own Billy Joel's "You May Be Right", thank you.). The air of nostalgia was more than welcome as old friends reunited and the alcohol flowed (yours truly scored some free Red Bull from the bar-thanks, C.). In true Denis fashion, I ducked out as the drunk became drunker and my eyes became heavier. Made a quick stop to the Pick Me Up Cafe for a mocha and headed home with plans to meet up with D. tomorrow night after an early dinner at Mom's.

Ah, I hear the bed's calling my name.

Not so deep thoughts

Good times at the Black Mountain show last night, even if they did play too many new songs. Did my best not to dwell too much on earlier thoughts/decisions/discussions. Needless to say, it's affected my writing. Leave it to a messy breakup to inspire me; it sure beats trying to write something positive when I'm clearly not in that frame of mind and haven't been in several weeks.

Got an e-mail from D. letting me know she'll be in town tomorrow for the bachelor/bachelorette party that night and made plans to get together for early dinner. The Methadones are playing Saturday night so perhaps some of the old gang will meet up. It will be good to reconnect.

Time for a rethink

Never in a million years would I have thought that my ability to open up at meetings would be compromised, but recent events lead me to believe this may be the case. Regardless, it's left a bad taste in my mouth and whether it's a good idea or not, I believe a change in scenery-certain people, places and things-may be in order. Yes, this is my ego talking, and my motives are based on resentment. Whatever, I am going march to a different beat for now and see where it takes me. I don't expect you to follow, so I won't look behind me.

The Truth (I swear)

Just back from a drummerless practice (played to some prerecorded drum tracks). New songs are shaping up nicely and should make for a great first few shows. Had to pass on playing J's bachelor party this friday as our drummer will be out of commission, but I plan on heading out to Wrigleyville after my meeting to help celebrate. Looking forward to seeing some more friends who I haven't seen in ages.

I made the decision yesterday to pass on B's wedding. From a practical standpoint, the distance is a bit far and going solo along with my automotive luck, I guess I assume the worst would happen. Save for a bit of catching up with an old friend and the wedding of course, a huge factor was spending some qt with A., and well...I don't think I'll be seeing her anytime soon.

There, I'm doing it again. Why the bitterness? I should be grateful that she's addressing her issues; I should be doing more of the same. My life has reached the point of unmanagability that I actually lied to A. about almost drinking because I was angry at her for her despair and wanted to make her feel even shittier. How fucked up is that? Talk about being sick...

I've decided to pass on The Twilight Sad this week due to band rehearsal and also to avoid running into A. It's real easy for me to talk about how shitty our relationship had become and that it had no real potential (I just really couldn't see the "happily ever after" scenario-we're just way too different), but I know full well that seeing her in the flesh will stir up all sorts of emotions, and I'm just not ready for that.

Time to catch up on some DVR'd programming.