Slán 2007

Some random thoughts for what will most likely be my last post of the year:

If you haven't made it to Kuma's Corner, you really should. Hands down, the best burgers in Chicago, if not the freaking world. Had lunch with M. there yesterday. While most of their burgers are named for some killer metal bands (Neurosis, Mastodon, Melvins, etc.), I rocked the Famous Kuma Burger-bacon, cheddar and fried egg...mmm-MMM!

I've been without cell phone service for the past 48 hours due to the cell tower in my area being out of commission. Aggravating to say the least. Thanks, T-Mobile!

Even if I hadn't already planned on staying in with The Boy this NYE, there is nothing going on that would entice me to deal with all that drunken buffoonery. Maybe I would hit the Pegboy/Methadones show at The Note, especially since that starts early enough. Otherwise, what else is there? Spoon? Please, talk about overrated. Jon Brion? Pass. The Smoking Popes with Everclear? At the Hyatt Regency O'Hare of all places?! How's the fall from grace feeling, boys? I'll stick with leprechauns and video games, thanks.

I'm debating whether or not to take L. and his sister to go see Sweeney Todd next weekend. All 3 of us are Tim Burton fans, but the more I think about it, I don't think the musical premise will go over well. There's also the matter of catching I Am Legend as well. Decisions, decisions. The Orphanage looks amazing-I'll most likely fly solo to that one.

I've fallen in love with Squeeze all over again. Catchy melodies and the best lyrics this side of Lennon/McCartney.

See ya next year!

Mustaches and mini-tours

The winter beard looked like shit so I shaved it off. I'm awfully proud of the mustache, though, and kept that as well as a bit under my lower lip for good measure. I think I look debonair, and as long as I think so, I could give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. So there. Hmmm...maybe I am just a tad bit narcissistic.

Tonight at practice I heard 3 new tunes and came up with some pretty cool melodies for all of them. I still can't believe how fortunate I am to have my muse back (certainly not the same as the old muse), and that the songs have been coming along at such a speed. We ended rehearsal tonight talking about setting up a Midwestern mini-tour of sorts, that last weekend in February. There's talk of hitting Indianapolis, but excuse me if I find that city and the majority of the state of Indiana to be repugnant. We'll more than likely hit Iowa, Minnesota and Wisconsin on this proposed trek. I start tracking vocals in a little over a week for the demo which only adds to my excitement.

Tomorrow night's plan after therapy involves meeting N. for dinner at Kuma's, and then down to The Note to catch Rollo Tomasi and Riddle Of Steel. Need to collect that belated birthday gift from her (a mocha I'm sure...hey, I'll take what I can get!).

Ho Ho Ho

Still in my pj's at 1:00PM with no intent on getting out of them until tonight, if at all. The heat in my apartment is sorta functioning, which is better than things had been in days past. I've managed to peel myself away from my...excuse me, THE BOY'S new Xbox and have done a pretty good job of keeping away from Halo 3. The goal is to surprise L. with it when he gets back from Disneyworld next week, but I can hear the game calling me. I can, I swear! I have basically zero video game skills (I think I peaked with the Super Nintendo), so it should be interesting to see what I can learn from my son.

Yesterday afternoon/evening was spent with Mom and the stepfamily in Park Ridge. It's nice to see that our families have been able to assimilate so nicely. My brother is adamant that I "get with it" and get an iPOD, even going so far as to buy me an iTunes gift card and Best Buy gift card to go toward at least an iPOD Shuffle. Now I know I am a prime candidate for music consolidation, but I like playing compact discs; I like to look at the artwork and lyrics. I'm also a bit apprehensive about downloading anything on this laptop at it has crashed a few times already. Some of my more computer-savvy friends have suggested bypassing the iPOD altogether and going with a decent MP3 player. The one I have I got as a freebie and wouldn't you know it-it doesn't work. I'm sure I'll get something soon, though. Then again, I could always sell the iTUNES card and use the Best Buy card toward more Xbox games. Hmmm...

I was grateful to celebrate my 35th birthday on Sunday with bandmates, my cousin and a beautiful woman, over the best pizza in Chicago. M. and I have reached a point where we can see the potential of a great romantic relationship developing, but we both have our own---er, "hangups" and remain apprehensive as we have established such a good friendship. The last thing either of us want to do is ruin a good thing by getting all romantic. Ha. Logistics have put the ice on things with EG but we do remain friends and I can't see that going away.

Going through The Onion's The Year In Film 2007, I was happy to see that 8 out of their 10 movies of the year were ones that I have already seen (and enjoyed) or plan on seeing in the not too distant future. On the subject of films, M. and I may catch Juno later today, should I decide to get dressed, that is. The more I think about it, couch time seems much more appealing.

Sweet-cakes and milkshakes

After weeks of scheduling conflicts, I was finally able to get together with L. last night and watch Before Sunrise. Beforehand, we exchanged dating war stories over the past year and took solace in knowing that all of that nonsense happened for a reason.

During the movie, L. made it a point to show some of Ethan Hawke's character's mannerisms that she saw as "Buckleyesque", noting a bit of a physical resemblance. While I did notice a few similarities, he did kind of come off as a bit of a smug prick. I wonder-was that..."Buckleyesque"?

Hiding Out

After some miscommunication on my end, rehearsal was called off last night, only to be called back on again. By the time I received the message, though, I was already at The Hideout, watching a rough cut screening with JC of a mutual friend's documentary, Christmas In Darfur. I hadn't seen JC in over a year so it was good to catch up with her. Admittedly I had some reservations about visiting the Hideout since my last time there, for their annual Block Party last September, wasn't exactly a great time, music notwithstanding (note to self: must check out The Frames under better conditions). Once there, any sour thoughts vanished and I watched a surprisingly poignant film about some friends' attempted journey to get into Darfur. The two JM's and their crew are quite talented and I look forward to owning a finished copy. After a brief Q & A, the music started as did the reminiscing. A good night indeed.

So Emotional

The reality of being sans son this Christmas (and my birthday) hit pretty hard last night once we got home from seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks (not as corny as I thought it would be; I would have rather caught I Am Legend at the IMAX-featuring a seven minute preview of The Dark Knight Returns-but I promised D. we'd see it with her). L. confesses to me that his science project-known about since last Wednesday-was due tomorrow and he wasn't sure if he had all the supplies necessary. Very rarely do I get angry with him, but in this case I was convinced that he withheld the assignment from me because he didn't want to take time away from his weekend with me. It was after a call to J. and letting him know of her decision to ground him that he confirmed this. While this conversation should have ended at that point, I projected what can only be described as my fear of abandonment on him, reducing us both to tears. It's not that I begrudge L. his time at Disneyworld with his family, but I am having a difficult time imagining my birthday and Christmas without him. We will be celebrating the holiday a few days earlier with my Mom's family which will help to offset my grief but this anguish really does seem to have taken over me.

It goes without saying that I have a strong and special bond with my son. When I bottomed out back in August 2002, I believe I was saved in order to be there for him. I really think he is the only reason I am still alive today. My relationship with him and how I view it has been criticized as unhealthy in the past by people who really can't afford to be questioning anyone's parental role, but I stand by the decisions I made in his regard. He is the number one priority in my life and no one and nothing will ever come before him.

Bring on New Year's Eve. Please.

Polish Sunday

Spent the entire Sunday on the couch, catching up on dvr'd television (Torchwood, Heroes, The Dresden Files) and Netflix rentals (Rescue Me, Jackpot). Last night's show in Mount Prospect was quite enjoyable on many levels (like I'm gonna kiss and tell! Come on now...). For one, my old boss from 15 years ago came out with his wife and while time did not permit too much catching up, we are certain to do so shortly after the holidays. The woman affectionately known as EG came out as well, bringing a friend who I also met at Riot Fest back in mid-November. Time/work/distance has prevented us from spending too much time together, and we agreed to rectify this pronto (some of which was done in...er, private.)

ZTS headlined a 4 band bill, and the opening band were fronted by a guy I went to high school with. We had a few mutual friends but he was always kind of a prick. Time seems to have mellowed him out. We went on at midnight and made quite a few jaws drop. Following the end of our set, I talked to a promoter from the Bloomington-Normal area about a potential show at ISU in early '08. As we loaded out, we were greeted to a sheets of ice covering everywhere we walked. Naturally, this made for a delayed departure and by the time our gear was loaded out and EG's and my car were scraped off, it was after 3:00 AM.

Over twelve hours of sleep last night and I'm ready to crash again. Bring on the week.

Welcome home, D.

South side snow

Played our first show tonight at Reggie's Rock Club, a new-ish club on Chicago's South Side run by the folks that own Record Breakers (formerly based in Hoffman Estates). I will admit to being less than enthused to play once I got a look at the accumulating snow outside and even less than enthused when one of the bands cancelled (couldn't take the haul from Schaumburg. Pussies). Thankfully, spirits were lifted with some great food (the insanely attractive bartender didn't hurt, either.) and though the turnout was far less than capacity, I had a great time playing and those that watched showed their appreciation in spades.

Saturday's show in Mount Prospect promises to be a packed house by all involved in setting the show up. Apparently the venue is a "Polack stomping ground" and I'm told we'll be treated very well.

We began tracking music a little over a week ago with the goal of finishing a 5-6 song demo by February/March. Once completed we'll start talking about touring, the prospect of which scares me a bit. I've never really toured sober. Not that I think I'll have the urge to drink-I just wonder how my tolerance will be should my bandmates (save M. who is not only sober, but single as well. This should prove scandalous indeed) get a little rowdy post-show.

I have plenty of time to think about this, for now slumber beckons.

One year ago

This weekend marks one year since I moved out of my father's house after 2+ years of some of the lowest points in my life. Time on Rascher Ave. was of course peppered with some good to great moments (reconnecting with my college love who I still speak with on occasion; cultivating a 1-1/2 year relationship with D, quite possibly the last woman I truly felt connected with). Moving to my present digs, as some of you may know, was stressful to say the least. Getting little to no help from my brothers, I leaned on friends to pitch in at about the closest I ever want to get to the "home stretch". I do not speak with most of these friends anymore out of fear and embarassment (which again, some of you probably know).

Settling back in today after driving through the mess that was Chicago's first winter storm of the season, it occured to me that with all the ups and downs, the agony and ecstacy I've endured this year, were I to get a chance to go back and do anything different, I wouldn't change a damn thing (save for the lying and cheating of course).

I see bright things on the horizon for 2008 and with both feet planted firmly in the Here and Now, next year should improve upon 2007.

Penny for my petty thoughts

I must confess that all this talk I've done of "letting go" concerning certain emotional triggers has been just that-talk. I don't necessarily pride myself in this, but I am pretty good at deception, and if I tell enough people my trumped up version of the truth...hell, even I start to believe it. The fact is I still harbor a bit of resentment toward certain people and places (primarily the former). It's not as if I am holding on to old feelings or carrying some sort of torch. Far from it-I look back on the past several weeks and wonder why I put myself through what I did, and when my last relationship ended, I wondered if I was ever going to find myself in a healthy one ever again. Since then I've approached my interactions with the opposite sex with some amount of hesitation and I've presumed that any flirting was harmless enough. I'd also assumed anyone at least remotely attractive was gonna be insane on some level. As for sex, forget it. Guess what? Men can fake it just was well as women can (ok, barring the last...er, indiscretion-that was hot.)

Since last weekend, though, something shifted; perhaps it was the new friendships forged at Riot Fest. I do know that something clicked at last week's therapy session, this sense if truly wanting to let go and move forward. Part one involved setting up this afternoon's date-a nice, simple meeting in the suburbs over lunch. Nothing intense, and that was such a relief. Based on how our date ended, I imagine there will be a follow up in the near future.

I can't let go if I continue to browse blogs and other sites for "dirt". It's pathetic and childish and I really do have better things to do with my time than to read some blown up recollection of what ended my last relationship. If hanging on to "hard evidence" will make my ex sleep better at night, then have at it. I will no longer concern myself with what ex-girlfriends and former friends have to say about me.

As of midnight, November 26th, 2007 I can truly say: out with the old and in with the new.

Parking Blues

Due to the lack of available parking in Wicker Park tonight, I didn't make it to the Witchcraft show at the Double Door as planned. It's probably for the best as I've bad my fill of concerts in recent weeks.

Earlier today I caught Margot At The Wedding in Evanston with N., having met up at Flat Top for lunch beforehand. As a big fan of The Squid And The Whale, my hopes were probably set just a bit too high as Margot was a bit of a disappointment. The film is basically the story of a woman who travels back home with her son for the wedding of her younger sister. While home, the same issues that drove the sisters apart came back again, along with some secrets revealed. Now that sounds familiar-the miscommunication in a relationship (substitute familial for romantic). Nicole Kidman's character is never satisfied with anything her sister does and constantly throws her opinion in where it's not needed; she seems to thrive on drama. Had the movie ended better, I may have given it higher marks; instead it gets a B-.

Tomorrow afternoon seems to find me on an honest to goodness date for the first time in months. I don't want to jinx it, so I will refrain for writing too much, only to say she is insanely good looking, killer smile and all.

Relatively painless

My Thanksgiving started at 3pm and ended at 6pm. Short and sweet, just as I had hoped. Spoke with D. on the way home and made plans to hang when she gets home next week. It never ceases to amaze me how similar the two of us are at in each other's lives. I give thanks today for friends like her, who accept me for who I am and who do not judge me on the mistakes I've made. I may still be a little bitter and resentful but today the level is nowhere near as much as it was several weeks ago no matter who I see or the places I go.

Gobble gobble, turkeys.

Isolation Mochas

I've blown off everyone tonight and that's just fine. I passed on P.'s bachelor party even though I said I'd go and I may have been of support to the newly sober M.; I told F. I'd go see his band Arctic Sleep play the Empty Bottle tonight. Tonight, though, I couldn't be bothered. I'd rather sit inside, listen to music (currently, Dalek) and watch Season 3 of Rescue Me.

Slow motion Monday

Day 2 of Riot Fest yesterday was pretty good. The Boy and I headed down to the Congress around 11:00 am, received our all access passes and didn't do much until doors opened at noon. I forgot to point out that a friend of mine had a gallery of old punk fliers, pictures and vinyl (many featuring yours truly) open next door to the venue. What fun that was reliving some memories and sharing some of them with my son.

As people began making their way in, we made sure our merch area looked presentable and while we made sure to have plenty of ZTS stickers on the table, we also had the "band kids" pass them out at various points during the day. L. was shut out of the dressing room once the beer arrived and thankfully had friends there to keep him occupied. The Riot Fest folks offered the band plenty of food and drink (sadly, no Red Bull) to which I took advantage of. We hit the stage a little after 3pm and aside from D.'s guitar acting up I thought we played pretty well. I certainly got a kick out of the huge stage and judging by L's huge grin from the VIP balcony, he got a kick as well. After we played I ran up there and he said, "you still got it, Dad".

Just like last year, Riot Fest was a chance to catch up with some old friends and make new ones so I didn't catch a whole lot of the bands I really did want to see (The Bollweevils, Dillinger Four, and Sludgeworth, though I did catch at least 1-2 songs of each). Day 2's headliners the Bad Brains were an utter letdown, thanks to their perma-stoned singer. I had not caught the band live since 1989 when they blew my then 17 year old mind. This time around HR stood there, arms folded or behind his back with his parka on, racing through the lyrics and basically not giving a shit about the mass of people there who came to see the band. Booo!!!

Today we had planned on hitting the Museum Of Science and Industry's Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination exhibit but my absent-mindedness forgot to purchase tickets online ahead of time and as a result, no MSI for 2 more weeks. Instead, L. and I rested all morning and headed out this afternoon for lunch, followed by a trip to Quake Collectibles.

Though we left Lincoln Square by 3pm, it ended up taking us 90 minutes or so to get out to Romeoville. From there, it was another 45 minutes to West Chicago where I was treated to an awesome dinner courtesy of some old and brand new friends.

Looking forward to a mellow and brief work week and a hopefully drama-free Thanksgiving-I did end up confirming my attendance at my uncle's country club. Just need to dust off that sportcoat now.

The weekend thus far

Last night's ZTS show at the Cobra Lounge (a special Riot Fest warm up gig) was a hot, sweaty smoky mess and, all things considered, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I headed right to the bar from work and ran into T., who told me he's been working there for awhile. After a few minutes the rest of the band arrived and we brought in the basics (shared equipment with The Methadones that night). After some food, the rest of the bands playing that night (the aforementioned Methadones, Shotbaker, The Effigies and The Queers) began to arrive and some catching up took place. I did my best to keep my talking brief so as not to strain my voice (singing or not, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut-you think I don't know that?). After a great set by Shotbaker, we hit the stage at 10:15pm and, amidst some sound problems, played pretty damn well. The Methadones were up next and were an onstage paradox, featuring a stoned singer who never smokes pot, a notorious drunk on guitar now 40 days sober, and a teetotal bassist who was seen knocking back shots minutes before they hit the stage. They were a train wreck, and the audience ate it up. The boys packed up the gear and merch while I chatted up a cute attendee as well as an old friend now drumming for The Queers. They soon left and texted me shortly after realizing they had left a bit of gear at the bar. I grabbed all that was left behind and planned on heading home myself (I had to stay and hear "Bodybag" , my favorite Effigies tune), and instead heeded a "call" and took a detour to where this sweaty, smoky writer ended his month long streak of celibacy.

As a result of last night's post show...er, shenanigans, I overslept an hour this morning and was later than planned in grabbing The Boy. After some running around this afternoon (and yes, after a catnap) we headed down to Day 1 of Riot Fest in time to see 7 Seconds (L.'s favorite of the night), the mighty Stiff Little Fingers and Naked Raygun, who played much better than last year.

Looking forward to Day 2 and of course ZTS's slot on the bill. We need to be down at the venue at the ungodly hour of 9:00 am for load-in so off to bed I go.

Post-therapy metal burgers

Tonight's session put me in a bummer of a mood. I'm at odds with Mom again and as a result have thought of skipping on Thanksgiving altogether this year (I have enough transplanted friends staying in town anyway). On top of Mom-drama, it's hit me pretty hard that I won't be with The Boy on either Thanksgiving or my birthday/Christmas (he'll be in Disneyworld from 12/23-30). Talking about this in therapy, it dawned on me that I seem to be trying to alienate myself from the family (oh no, not conflict! Run, Buckley, run!). Just before walking into my session, I sent a text to L. letting her know I wasn't "feeling" Kuma's tonight; a trip to Reckless and right home seemed far more enjoyable. Thankfully she hung in there and suggested meeting up anyway as she had made some music of some of her favorite hometown (Austin, TX) bands. My need to eat outweighed the need to isolate so we headed to Kuma's where many Cokes were drank and belly stuffed with some Mastodon. Tentative plans were made to head down to SXSW this coming March (provided that ZTS is not planning anything in that timeframe).

I'm also entertaining the idea if throwing a birthday party/show for myself next month. As I'm turning 35, I want to enter "middle age" in style. Just stay tuned and I'll try and do the same.

Laughing all the way to the...

I laughed more last night that at any other time in recent memory. Such as basic response, yet so powerful. I've had some thoughts weighing on my mind in recent days (Dad and the Estate, Liam being MIA over the holidays-more on that later) so the reverie last night was much needed.

Yesterday began with lunch with M. at The Harmony Grill (Kuma's was packed to the gills at 2pm...damn) It's always refreshing hanging out with her. Headed to Lincoln Park around 8pm for a get-together thrown by one of my co-workers and attended by some former colleagues. It was good to catch up. I ended up being one of the only two straight men at the party which made it even funnier when the topic of relationships came up (I was a good boy and kept my mouth shut). I bid farewell around 10:30pm and shot over to the Metro in time to catch the majority of Do Make Say Think. I'd been hearing from M. earlier in the evening and he'd been trying to get me to meet up with friends at various watering holes and I was a bit hesitant as I wouldn't be sure how awake I'd be after the aforementioned show. Sufficiently jacked up on coffee and Coke, I headed over to the the Blind Robin and met up with more blasts from the past than I had anticipated (among the group was B., one of the last-if not the last relationship I was in before I got engaged). After much...er, "ego massaging", I headed home at around 2am grateful for the company and even grateful for the chance to reconnect with some old friends.

Progress

Left work early today for parent/teacher conferences with The Boy's four teachers. My little man got on the honor roll by the skin of his teeth and his teachers all know-as do J., N. and I-that he can get all A's if he can get his homework in on time (someone's been spending all their study hall time on the computer).

Afterwards, I headed up to the Lakeshore Theatre where I caught Black Dice. While there, I was introduced to a young man who turned out to be my ex's boyfriend before me. While I did my best to resist the urge to compare "war stories", we both admitted that we were frustrated by our mutual ex's all or nothing approach to virtually every aspect of the relationship and noted the irony of being "dumped" when we both knew our time was up long before that.

I've done my best to live and learn from all the relationships I've been in, no matter how brutal the ending. These past few weeks have given me time to reflect on the most recent of them and reactionary as some of my...actions may have been, I've acknowledged my role in the breakup and know that the full blame cannot be placed solely on my shoulders.

Quiet nights in

Ahhh...this is more like it.

I've spent the better part of the past 4-5 weeks running around practicing and/or socializing (ok, and maybe some flirting), and it's good to have a night like tonight (and last night) to deflate. I watched a hilarious movie (Knocked Up) and was slightly let down by another (Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie-kiss my ass, it's better than most cartoons out there). Recently purchased albums include The Ritual Fires Of Abandonment by Minsk (opening up for Neurosis this Sunday...hell yes!), Load Blown by Black Dice and Fire Escape by Sunburned Hand Of The Man (envisioned, produced, mixed and edited by Kieran Hebden a.k.a. the brilliant Four Tet) in addition to a renewal of faith in the music of Red House Painters, Spacemen 3, The Verve and Spiritualized (these purchases brought to me courtesy of my recent 11% raise).

Saturday, weather/energy permitting, The Boy and I may head down to Millennium Park for the new Arctic: Soundscape installation. As on most weekends with L., we'll fly by the seat of our proverbial pants and see where that takes us.

One more reason to smile: finishing this entry up and heading to bed at 11:00 PM.


Zzz...

Insert catchy title here

Nothing like a trip to Borders to zone out and reflect on another weekend. Friday began with a trip to Chicago Comics before meeting up with N. at the Chicago Diner. It's nice to know that I can be friends with a vegetarian who's tolerant of my...er, carnivorous appetite. That said, after months of eating vegetarian for most of the week, I had developed a fondness for some of the fake meat dishes and N. was surprised at my recommendation to go to the Diner. Part of my reason was out of a courtesy to her, the other (referring to my last post) being that I need to hit old "haunts" and make new memories. Stomachs full, we headed to the Metro to catch Minus The Bear and to meet up with K. Openers Grand Archives and The Helio Sequence were fantastic (I'm a longtime fan of the latter), and by the time MTB came on the room looked surprisingly full to capacity. What was even more surprising was the high level of "jockness" in the venue-what does the dopey, beer-swilling football fan make of the band? Did they show up, drop $19.00 in the hopes of getting laid? Who knows...all I know is that the band themselves clearly soaked up the large crowd and encouraged all manner of hand clapping. This was not the band I caught just a few years ago, and while their new album is quite good, I was a little turned off by the spectacle of it all. I may think twice about catching them live again anytime soon.

Saturday afternoon I drove like mad to make it to J. and H.'s wedding in Naperville. While it was quite a beautiful and unique ceremony (complete with black Chuck Taylors for the groomsmen!), I got all sentimental and thoughts drifted to my own wedding and how I hope to find that perfect person to walk down the aisle with (cue barfing). I was happy to see D. again who was in the party. While we didn't have much time to hang (I elected not to go to the reception), she'll be back for Christmas. Later that night I headed to the Empty Bottle to catch the mighty Jesu and met with G. and the gang, with R. swinging by later.

Tonight I sit here, grateful for the friends I have and nostalgic for a few I have not spoken to in recent weeks. I'm just not ready to reach out to them at this point. Call it selfishness, call it cowardice-life goes on and I am content with the decision I made.

Meet the new haunts (same as the old haunts)

Talking about tonight's Queens Of The Stone Age show with G. today, it dawned on me that it would be my first time back at the Riviera since last Spring's Mastodon show which ended in a big blowout with A. That night, an accusation involving paying attention to a friend visiting from out of town who paid for our tickets turned into a screaming match on the venue's stairwell and A. storming out of the Riv altogether. I didn't immediately follow her because well, it was fucking Mastodon. I did nothing wrong aside from pretty much calling her an insecure nag and really didn't want to get into it with her yet again (by then we were very good at pushing the other's buttons). Several texts from her later (which I "didn't get because of poor cell service") and I was out of there myself, trying to break up with her on the way to my car (got a ticket to add to my frustration). My usual method of forgetting about A. drama used to begin with the deleting of texts and e-mails (I tended to shut down and she thought the best way to reach me would be through e-mail or by text messaging). One of the few times I did not delete-the next day, Mother's Day at my mom's-my brother picked up my phone and saw all the texts. Talk about embarassing.

Tonight I met L. at the Riv and had a great time. Seeing Queens live made me realize how sexy their music sounds. Tomorrow will involve dinner at another place that A. and I used to frequent. I refuse to avoid certain places anymore. It's time to create positive memories.

Wrap Up

With clear mind and an even clearer conscience, I can honestly say I had one of the best weekends in recent memory. Friday's High On Fire/Mono double threat was simply mind-blowing and my companions for the night made it that much more enjoyable. With M. feeling funny about the show, L. agreed to take the extra ticket (purchased what seemed like a lifetime ago) and met me down at the Double Door. I am happy to have turned her on to Mono and we made plans to meet up at this week's Queens Of The Stone Age show (another ticket dilemma solved!). Saturday I picked The Boy up and did our thing, hitting Target and spending time at Borders (there's a big shocker). That night we watched The Astronaut Farmer (even a "mainstream" Polish Brothers film is a treat). After taking care of some laundry, Sunday afternoon involved a trip to get Liam some Halloween vampire gear (some truly gory shit, no messing around with the kiddie stuff for my boy!). We then made it back home where I took a...um, power nap, woke up later than planned and then headed out to Romeoville to drop Buddy Boy off. My friends in Strung Out were gracious enough to set myself and the rest of ZTS up with VIP passes at their Metro show and I was able to make it down with 30 minutes or so to spare. I haven't seen the fellas since 1999 at what turned out to be the final 88FL show so it was good to see 'em and catch up.

Life is good without the old drama.

Cleaning house, slightly damp

Tonight's therapy was a breakthrough of sorts. For the first time since coming in (4 months or so now), I felt like I am really coming into my own; all the frustration, resentment and plain fear of the past giving way to a "new me". I generally feel less anxious and more optimistic about what lies ahead.

I have made some necessary adjustments in my life, some big and others not so much. I remain sober with no desire to pick up a drink as I know full well the consequences of what that would entail. I know one beer would never be enough and I would risk losing everything important to me in my life. While I do not regret for a minute my time in the program, I am starting to see how truly pejorative the term "dry drunk" really is:

Definition: A colloquial term generally used to describe someone who has stopped drinking, but who still demonstrates the same alcoholic behaviors and attitudes.
Also Known As: Dry, Not Sober

I've been accused by some of being a dry drunk because of my choice not to attend meetings and because they choose to believe the highly inflated stories my ex is telling them. Plain and simple-I made my mistakes, I've owned up to them and I've moved on. I am not an asshole. I stayed in a relationship that was destined to fail by sheer ideological differences alone. The fact that this past August I tried to pick up where things had left off in June only proved that I was an insecure man who wanted the comfort of a relationship, no matter how frustrated I was (when you start lying about family dinner because you wanted to eat meat, you know things are fucked).

I know that AA is there for me, should I choose to enter the rooms again. I will forever be grateful for the guidance given to me and while I can probably count the number of true friends I met in there on one hand, I am grateful for each and every person I came into contact with.

With that said, a benefit of this new phone and number is that I am able to weed out the people I do not interact with anymore. I will say there is a certain amount of shame in deleting people from my Myspace account as well, but let's face it-without the program I'm not how much-if any-I have in common with them.

I am glad I was able to share these thoughts with M. over coffee tonight and look forward to dinner with her on Friday. I am anxious about meeting up with V. tomorrow; he is a great friend, one of my closest, and I fear that my distancing from AA will drive us apart. I can only hope that we can meet as friends and not worry about the other baggage.

Superdrag and Sidekicks

Just back from one of the best shows I've seen this year-and I've seen a lot of shows! Superdrag are doing a handful of reunion shows in support of a double cd of rarities that just came out. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to see them as they split up right around the time I really got into them.

The Boy and I finally got practical and bought a plan through T Mobile, and as an incentive I was given a Sidekick for next to nothing. This shit rules.

My stinging eyes are telling me it's time for bed. Just as well-movie and lunch/early dinner with M. tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing The Darjeeling Limited.

Hindsight

Yesterday's debut show with the new band exceeded my expectations. Not that I was terribly skeptical, I just didn't expect the amount of people to show up and stay that late (we went on just before midnight), way out in Franklin Park of all places. Ironically enough, myself and D. admitted to being quite nervous minutes before we played; a feeling that soon diminished-for me at least-about halfway through our first song.

Throughout the night, I couldn't help but think how different things would've been if I was still with A. I more than likely would have spent most of the night a wreck, making sure she was being paid attention to and avoiding any and all contact with the female sex (because that would be flirting, wouldn't it?). This would have no doubt made for a sub-par performance on my part. Thankfully the frustration and resentment of the past few months are history and I can go forward and be myself.

Full

Back from a late dinner at Kuma's Corner with music provided by friends Seventh Rule Recordings. I had an entertaining chat with L. while there and made tentative plans to meet next week for dinner and a show at The Note (one of Chicago's finest, Sweet Cobra along with San Diego's spacey Earthless). Tonight's therapy was thought provoking to say the least. I shared my need for independence-from relationships and the program especially. I've questioned whether or not my need to remain in the program is based on making my parents-especially my deceased father-happy, as if Dad himself is looking down and shaking his finger at me in disapproval. As I've mentioned, I've felt disconnected from the rooms for some time-before summer began and I didn't feel the same coming back to the city meetings. No, it's not the case of people "calling me on my shit" as it was so pointed out (the phrase "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" immediately springs to mind). Again, I've made mistakes; I've admitted as much, and yes there's certainly an element of embarrassment over some of my actions. I can't beat myself up over this crap anymore. I am moving on and doing so in a way that I'm comfortable with.

Is there anything wrong with just wanting to get out there and enjoy what life has to offer? I can certainly do so sober, and if I want to flirt to my heart's content, is that not my prerogative (no Bobby Brown, jokes!)? You're damn right it is.

Pause (just because)

Old habits die hard and rushing headfirst has done me no good. Once again, I begin damage control and hope for the best. The bitterness of weeks past has seemingly subsided and I exhale deeper with each loss cut. I have no need for fair weather friends, no matter how long I've known them.

Truth is, I have not felt like I could be myself in those basements in quite some time. I've felt much more relaxed telling my thoughts to a select few and only only two of them are people in recovery. I am not comfortable talking to them at present as I'd rather do without the lecture, but I hope that can be reconciled soon enough.

Lunch in the 'burbs with D. this afternoon only further solidified what a great friend she really is. The open and honest discussions that we have are quite refreshing and unlike most conversations I've had with the people I've connected with in the past few years. I need more people like her in my life.

Countdown to Zero to Sixty's debut: 4 days. I can't think of a time musically that I've been this excited since the early days of 88FL. We are on a roll and I personally cannot wait to see where this goes.

Bam, Motherfucker. Bam.

I'm at the tail end of the new Iron and Wine cd, The Shepherd's Dog, and I have to say I am quite surprised at how much I enjoy it. Sam Beam's voice is quite soothing and musically he seems to have taken a queue from his one-time backing band, Calexico (their collaboration, In The Reins having been my first real introduction to Beam save for his Postal Service cover on the Garden State soundtrack).

Thoroughly enjoyed dinner with D. and the gang earlier tonight at Kuma's Corner and afterwards we split a cab over to the Underground Lounge for the big celebration (J. and H. preferred having a show featuring some reunited bands in lieu of a bachelor/bachelorette party). I hadn't been there in a few years, when the venue was named Magoo's Underground Lounge and K. and I went there for some live band karaoke (I owned and still own Billy Joel's "You May Be Right", thank you.). The air of nostalgia was more than welcome as old friends reunited and the alcohol flowed (yours truly scored some free Red Bull from the bar-thanks, C.). In true Denis fashion, I ducked out as the drunk became drunker and my eyes became heavier. Made a quick stop to the Pick Me Up Cafe for a mocha and headed home with plans to meet up with D. tomorrow night after an early dinner at Mom's.

Ah, I hear the bed's calling my name.

Not so deep thoughts

Good times at the Black Mountain show last night, even if they did play too many new songs. Did my best not to dwell too much on earlier thoughts/decisions/discussions. Needless to say, it's affected my writing. Leave it to a messy breakup to inspire me; it sure beats trying to write something positive when I'm clearly not in that frame of mind and haven't been in several weeks.

Got an e-mail from D. letting me know she'll be in town tomorrow for the bachelor/bachelorette party that night and made plans to get together for early dinner. The Methadones are playing Saturday night so perhaps some of the old gang will meet up. It will be good to reconnect.

Time for a rethink

Never in a million years would I have thought that my ability to open up at meetings would be compromised, but recent events lead me to believe this may be the case. Regardless, it's left a bad taste in my mouth and whether it's a good idea or not, I believe a change in scenery-certain people, places and things-may be in order. Yes, this is my ego talking, and my motives are based on resentment. Whatever, I am going march to a different beat for now and see where it takes me. I don't expect you to follow, so I won't look behind me.

The Truth (I swear)

Just back from a drummerless practice (played to some prerecorded drum tracks). New songs are shaping up nicely and should make for a great first few shows. Had to pass on playing J's bachelor party this friday as our drummer will be out of commission, but I plan on heading out to Wrigleyville after my meeting to help celebrate. Looking forward to seeing some more friends who I haven't seen in ages.

I made the decision yesterday to pass on B's wedding. From a practical standpoint, the distance is a bit far and going solo along with my automotive luck, I guess I assume the worst would happen. Save for a bit of catching up with an old friend and the wedding of course, a huge factor was spending some qt with A., and well...I don't think I'll be seeing her anytime soon.

There, I'm doing it again. Why the bitterness? I should be grateful that she's addressing her issues; I should be doing more of the same. My life has reached the point of unmanagability that I actually lied to A. about almost drinking because I was angry at her for her despair and wanted to make her feel even shittier. How fucked up is that? Talk about being sick...

I've decided to pass on The Twilight Sad this week due to band rehearsal and also to avoid running into A. It's real easy for me to talk about how shitty our relationship had become and that it had no real potential (I just really couldn't see the "happily ever after" scenario-we're just way too different), but I know full well that seeing her in the flesh will stir up all sorts of emotions, and I'm just not ready for that.

Time to catch up on some DVR'd programming.

Heredity

I had that dream again
The one that reassured me that it's going to be ok
But still I'm not convinced
Not when my handle on relationships has never been more weak

The way you were removed from me
The grief I feel can consume me at its worst
I'm at the breaking point
I still can hear
All the corny jokes you used to tell
And what I wouldn't give to laugh

And I thought you saw me at my worst
I'm beaten down
I need you to help me up and offer me the guidance
That I was all too prone to ignore
You took me back and never shut the door

Do you look down and see
This broken family
And all the stress they've put on me?
Your younger sons aren't speaking now
My anniversary and all it means to me
The last time I ever heard your words

I know this isn't right
I'm cold as ice
And I could use some sound advice
I feel as though I might buckle from the weight
I carry all this guilt
I hate how you were killed

I'm trying hard to get it right
To gain perspective and insight
I'm tired of shouldering the blame
and I miss you all the same

And I miss you all the same

Friday night recap

These Saturday mornings here at work sure crawl at a snail's pace. The first 90 minutes seem like an eternity.

Last night's Ulrich Schnauss/Airiel show at the Beat Kitchen was great, and the fact that I got in for free (Thanks, J) and was out of there by 9:30PM made it even better. There's something about seeing some ambient/electronic music live with some killer screen projections that enables me to get lost in an almost trance-like state. I actually danced, too, believe it or not. Airiel, a band going on 10 years, seemed to have really made their presence felt with their new record so I expect big things for them in the future. Fans of the early 90's shoegazer movement would be wise to check them out. I also plan on seeing them next month at the Empty Bottle with Adam Franklin.

Walking out to my car post-show, I got a call from Liam telling me all about his first school dance. He was bumming earlier that day that he didn't have a ride to school later than night but a friend came through for him. I was instantly amazed, impressed, and anxious as I listened to him tell me of the two girls that liked him and that he asked the one he liked better to dance (to some song called "Soulja Boy"?). As he gets older, I realize how important it is for me to instill in him a sense of respect for women, though I suspect living in a house primarily made up of the opposite sex he's already been given some "pointers". Nevertheless, I want him to go about any potential future relationships the right way (as opposed to the way I've gone about things).

I ended my night with coffee with some program friends, with plans to meet up on a more regular basis. Now more than ever, it's important to surround myself with people that don't judge me for mistakes that I've made. I'm slowly beginning to crawl out of that stage where I continue to beat myself up over past mistakes. I am not perfect; nobody is. I can only learn from the mistakes I've made and with a strong program to work from I can regain my confidence. Anger aside (and I am not trying to belittle the anger-I know that I have to really get that under control), I am starting to see that the fallout of my relationship with A was based in part on the realization that I really didn't see a potential future in the relationship anymore, which is sad considering a good portion of the past 7 months were quite enjoyable, and that Lollapalooza weekend will be tough to beat.

As she was fond of saying, it is what it is...

Thursday thoughts

Leaving shortly for Schubas to catch Gruff Rhys, knowing full well I should probably stay in and catch up on some much needed sleep. It's been awhile since I've seen some good music live, the last show being Editors at the Park West 2-1/2 weeks before (ok, not that long ago). Looking back, that was probably the last night I was truly happy with A., the fallout being a few days later. Loving looks and arm scratching soon turned into more emotional shutdowns (certainly not the first time for me), combined with resentment and an all too strong of an urge to run like hell. I suppose I should thank A. for deciding that enough was enough; it became clear that I do not have the energy or the emotional wherewithal to maintain a relationship with her, and chances were pretty good that I would have made the call to end the relationship myself in matter of days.

This past Tuesday I met with someone who I am confident will be a great sponsor. It's clear that the less effort I put into my program, the more my life became unmanageable and with some "gentle prodding" from good friends, I finally made the call to ask for help (ok, it was an e-mail). Going forward, I will listen and take the suggestions offered to me and one day at a time, I will get back on track. Let's just hope I can keep the ever so powerful urge to isolate to a minimum.

This weekend brings me to Ulrich Schnauss and Airiel at the Beat Kitchen, as well as an overnight with Liam in lieu of my missing him the coming weekend. Sunday is Boris with Michio Kurihara at the Empty Bottle (really looking forward to this one) as part of Wire Magazine's Adventures In Modern Music.

...and my babbling blog has made me late for the show!

Tack

As so happens to be the case with most breakups, I find myself turning to some old school punk rock for inspiration. While storing away ideas for future Zero To Sixty lyrics, I thought I'd share some words by an old inspiration, the Descendents:

Cause I finally burned out
Been kicking myself for way too long
Finally found out
What it feels like to be living a lie
Wasting my time I realized
Wishing I was in another world

Taking a new tack
Gotta turn my back to turn back
I don't wanna close doors
But I don't wanna feel this way anymore
So I'm finding my way out
By turning away from a brickwall

Impassive aggressive

Something D. told me last night struck me as initially offensive: "don't define your self-worth by whether or not you have a significant other to show off". I had been talking to her about how after my relationship with A. collapsed I was initially reluctant to attend my reunion and the upcoming wedding of a good friend of mine by myself. I hate when she's right, but it's her pull-no-punches brand of advice that I need the most, especially now when it's all too easy to throw myself yet another pity party. Sure, the drive up to Wisconsin is 6 hours one way, but it's not as if I don't have enough music to listen to. Attending the wedding solo also means not having to worry about anyone else but myself, and I relish the idea of being a little selfish.

Dinner tonight with B. was refreshing; after realizing that we had several mutual friends, we agreed to finally meet up after I dropped The Boy off. No preconcieved notions, no pretense-just 2 people having dinner and realizing we had more than a few things in common. I frankly don't see the harm in making new friends while in the process of working on myself.

Reunions

Just back from my 20 year grade school reunion, and any hesitation I had about showing up solo vanished pretty quickly once I discovered that, with few exceptions, most came by themselves. It was interesting to see how everyone had changed (in appearance if not necessarily in behavior). Word of my musical exploits reached many as I attempted to catch folks up on what I'd been up to all this time. Most seemed surprised that I had a 12 year old son, and I was surprised myself that some of my former classmates' kids were attending our old school and being taught by some of the very same teachers that we had. I found myself mildly aggravated when a few people asked "Are you married? Not anymore? Dating? Just haven't found the right one?" Err...yeah, something like that. I'm sure they meant well. As the night went on, those moderately buzzed turned borderline belligerent and I made my exit.

Minutes before walking into the reunion, I received word that a friend of mine in the program had been hospitalized. Details are scarce at this point and, as my name was on a short list of people she'd like to talk to, I hope to speak with her at some point tomorrow. Hearing this pretty much puts whatever feelings of loneliness and frustration I have to shame.

Rewind

Here I am back to where I was at the start of the summer. This time I will really work on myself. I will pick up the tools that are laid out for me and make use of them. I want to be happy; I want the serenity that so many of my friends have. I want to honor each emotion that is brought up and not continue to stuff it back in out of fear of being seen as weak or upsetting the person closest to me.

I want to be able to part of a relationship and not be ashamed. I want to be open and honest. I want something complex without the drama, be it self-made or otherwise. I will begin to clean up my side of the street and maintain it.

This break is seemingly overwhelming but absolutely necessary.

Isolation

I have spent the past 1-1/2 days talking to very few and have come to enjoy it. Reacting to words said Friday night gave me the ammo I needed to shut down. I missed the days of only answering to myself. Writing and music and thinking. Lots and lots and LOTS of thinking.

Today will involve more of the same and that's exactly how I want it. I've said I'm doing this for clarity, but the bottom line is I don't want to think about any of it anymore. A meeting or two would do me some good, but it's bound to be only temporary. I'll be counting down the minutes until I can get back home and begin this cycle all over again.

I May Hate You Sometimes

Lyrics by The Posies


Here we are--only been a couple of years
Maybe longer
Yes it's true--i'm no good at being the strong man
You're stronger
But I think--maybe you should take a good look
At my feelings
Can't you see--i'm another one just like you
A human being

I don't want to have to sacrifice to have to get along
I don't ever want to be the one to say I'm wrong
I may hate you sometimes, but I'll always love you

What did you say--it's so hard for me to remember
What you meant
How did it happen--was it preconcieved
Or a complete accident
I still recall--we were once happy together
Smiling faces
But things have changed--and now you're only happy when
I remember where my place is

I don't want to have to live up to your expectations
I don't ever want to be the one to end relations
I may hate...

Do you think you could treat me
Like somebody special
I can't be everything to everybody
Could I at least be something to you?

Don't look so surprised--i'm a little smarter
Than every other weakling
Say no more--i know exactly what you're going to say
Without you speaking
A familiar phrase--i've heard it said often before
Please forgive me
Don't be a fool--if I can't live with myself
How could you live with me?

Now that I'm filled with emotion you're dispassionate
You only live for yourself while I live to regret
But don't ever think that I could easily forget
Because I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
I said that I would but now I know that I won't
And the chance of being right is looking kind of remote
I may hate you sometimes (x3)
But I'll always love you
I may hate you sometimes but I'll always love you

Far beyond aggravated

Here we go again-that feeling that it's going to get worse and worse. Throwing in the towel makes me a coward; hanging in there only leads to more anger and frustration. I asked this very same question at the start of June: when is enough truly enough?

I have neither the ways nor the means nor the energy to answer that question right now. This overthinking, pessimistic bastard is going to bed.

Emotional Rescue

Wow, what a roller coaster of emotion the past day and half has been. Opening up in therapy yesterday about my dad; my frustration that I seem to grieve for him just as much now if not more than at the time of his death (3 years gone this month). Trying to figure out how his death ties into my current relationships (be they familial or otherwise), I need help figuring out why I want to keep running away and/or pushing away those that love me; I need to differentiate between loving guidance and "being attacked". Last night's session brought me that much closer to understanding all of this, though I know I still have my work cut out for me.

A call to mi madre later last night turned into another outpouring of emotion as I admitted how out of touch I felt with my family. I've been resentful at them for making virtually zero effort (save for my youngest brother) to see Liam. This turned into admitting that I just feel lost in general and how I wished Dad was here to offer guidance. The urge to run was so strong last night but I stayed; an e-mail or two to ALH helped as well, bringing me to the next relationship I am seeking guidance with.

A and I have recently begun speaking and seeing each other on a limited basis, basically testing the waters to see if it's possible to have a future together. The end of Phase 1 was pretty intense on both sides. I ran like hell, stopping to turn back to see if she was still chasing me. For a time she was until she became exhausted herself and frankly, who could blame her? As the summer progressed, I had what can only be described as some sort of moment of clarity-I don't recall anyone else putting forth so much effort in order to be with me. As recent talks with her have gotten a little...well, complex, we know that if we take things one day at a time we can figure this all out.

Tonight marks the last night of "Liampalooza 2007" and by this time tomorrow I will once again be alone in this one bedroom apartment. This summer more than any other in recent memory has made me aware of the bubble that I choose to remain in when Liam stays with me. Priorities shift, regular interactions with friends become irregular. We have our own little world, father and son, that I am more than happy to remain in as long as I can. To make the effort to step outside of this bubble back into the "real world" gets harder and harder each time I end my summer with Liam, but talking to him tonight did make it easier. I'm sure tomorrow I will be a mess.

Interview With A Wiseass

Tonight after work I met Dan over at the Cobra Lounge where we were interviewed for a forthcoming Naked Raygun dvd. Released this fall, this documentary is due to feature Naked Raygun's performance at last year's Riot Fest as well as interviews with the band, their many fans as well as bands that can count Raygun as an influence. Nursing a tonic and lime, Dan and I answered questions and busted each other's balls just like in 88's heyday. I'm not sure how this will transfer over in the end, but in the midst of the interview I couldn't help but think that the two of us have this...rapport that I missed the past, oh 8 years or so. We were told we were the funniest interview out of everyone they sat down with. Methinks they will have to do some serious editing, though. Stay tuned-the dvd is due out by Riot Fest 2007.

The Fountain

After dropping The Boy off in the 'burbs, I elected to decline on an invitation to go see Sicko (remember when I talked about people coming out of the woodwork? Some of them are a little more aggressive than others.) and instead watched The Fountain. I sure am glad I ended up watching this movie solo.

Three stories - one each from the past, present, and future - about men in pursuit of eternity with their love. A conquistador in Mayan country searches for the tree of life to free his captive queen; a medical researcher, working with various trees, looks for a cure that will save his dying wife; a space traveler, traveling with an aged tree encapsulated within a bubble, moves toward a dying star that's wrapped in a nebula; he seeks eternity with his love. The stories intersect and parallel; the quests fail and succeed. Taken from The Fountain's IMDB page

Watching this movie, I couldn't help but think of the serious relationships of my past. Would I have done anything and everything for these women? Perhaps for a few of them I would have, but selfishness and insecurity prevented that from happening. That, and perhaps none of them were part of the plan that's been laid out for me.

Tonight I remain optimistic that I will find that someone.

Numerology

After watching someone who I deemed a "hack" talk about the significance of the number 7 (in honor of 7/7/07), I decided to do a bit of research and looked up what's called my "Lifepath Number", the number 9. Here's how it's broken down:

Tom Cruise was born 7-3-1962 Break down the birthday numbers:

7+3+1+9+6+2=28

2+8=10

1+0=1

1 is the Lifepath Number for Tom Cruise.

...and here is what they say about my Lifepath Number:

NINES are the natural leader. People assume they are in charge even if they are not. If in a department store, people think they work there. They take care of everyone else but need to learn to speak up when they need help, love, and hugs. 9s often feel unloved or abandoned by their mother or father, or they feel completely responsible for them. It's hard for them to let go of the past.

I'm a bit freaked out as to how accurate this is.

My "Attitude Number"(add month and birth day together)? Semi-accurate, I guess:


The 8 Attitude, More often than not, with an 8 Attitude,They are reading Investor's magazine or brainstorming on how to make some money, and establish financial security. If they have family, then they want to be a good provider. The flipside of the 8 Attitude is that money can seem completely unattainable. Money will slip right through their fingers.The 8 Attitude has no problem telling you what they really think.They can be a little too blunt, so it is best to keep their sense of humor and focus on the positive things in life!

Independence

Just back from some Fourth Of July festivities at Dan's, where I hung out with some new bandmates in addition to Dan's dad, sister and brother-in-law who I hadn't seen in a good eight years. Dan's girlfriend was there was well, a funny woman with a son a year older than Liam and a daughter a year younger. Liam got along with them famously which is great, especially since they'll be hanging out most Monday nights together while the band practices. The cookout today was a last minute idea so we grabbed what we could at Walgreens in the way of snacks/brats and grabbed a variety pack of fireworks as well. Fireworks scare the crap out of me personally, having burnt my hand pretty bad as a kid, but far be it for me to ruin any fun for The Boy. The way his face lit up as he lit one after another was at once entertaining as well as scary. He's quite the pyro it seems. The band seems to be on a high still from this past rehearsal as things are going amazing. I am writing some of my best lyrics in years. We're aiming for a September debut but do not want to rush anything of course.

Allergies

I should have known something was amiss when The Boy didn't jump right out of bed this morning. He's normally up right at 7 AM with me and has been having a blast hanging with new buddies at camp. This morning was a later wakeup due to my day off and an 8 AM wakeup did not go very well (and I thought I wasn't a morning person). The change in temperature seems to have done a number on Liam's allergies so he's staying home from camp today. Lunch with E in the 'burbs is now up in the air, but if he's feeling better we may still head down. Assuming said allergies do not knock the kid out, we're planning on catching The Transformers movie later in the afternoon; I don't know who's more excited.

Zombies With Cell Phones Smokin' In The Boys Room.

You ever seem to have one of those days when everyone's on your case, from your teacher all the way down to your best girlfriend? Well, that used to happen to me all the time, but I found a way to get out of it. Let me tell ya about it:

Pardon the excursion into some Motley Crue (by way of Brownsville Station) as it really has been one of those days. The moment I walked into work this afternoon (call me responsible/stupid/both, but I had some end of the month business that I wanted to get through rather than have pile up come Monday morning), I was hit with issue after issue. I kept hearing the words of Dante Hicks (Clerks) echo in my head, "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" Shortly before I am set to leave I hear from dear old mom who starts in on my finances, always a touchy subject with us (to say that a lecture from a 60 year old woman to her 34 year old son is demoralising would be putting it mildly). Soon enough, The Boy and I hi-tailed it out of there and grabbed a late lunch/early dinner followed by a trip to Best Buy where I (gulp) bought my son his first cell phone, a basic $30 phone with $20 worth of minutes on it. I decided after my bought of paranoia during the week that I'd like him to have one so that he's able to check in with me, especially on the evenings where traffic dictates a late pickup. Man, I hope I made the right decision...

An offer was put out there tonight for a late night movie (The Fountain) with an ex who's in town for the week. Tempting as that offer is, with my present state of...well "Denis-ness" is the best way to put it, I thought long and hard (easy...) about it and decided to pass. Instead, Liam and I watched Shaun Of the Dead (rather, I did-Liam was engrossed with the game on his phone), and with him now in bed I'm up wondering what could have happened and what could have been.

Fore!

I managed to grab The Boy a bit earlier than usual today (by a whole 15 minutes! Note to self: pick a better route home). After a day full of broken computers and requests to camp out in Northbrook to oversee a new project (not the most exciting gig, but a break from the insanity/stupidity in River North will do me some good), seeing that lil' Buckley smirk was quite a relief. Following dinner, Liam and I played some miniature golf (glow-in-the-dark at that). Halfway in, Liam said something along the lines of "I must be the worst mini golfer in the world". The second I turned to face him, he started to well up. The irony was not lost on me as I told my son he was being too hard on himself.

Traffic Insanity

Anyone whose spent any amount of time with me in the midst of heavy traffic knows what a bear I can be. Leaving work tonight and beginning my 60 minute drive to Lincoln Square with some flooding, I had no choice but to yell at myself. Ok, so things didn't get that hectic, but when I realized that I wouldn't hit the Square by my planned 5:30 PM time, I felt myself tensing up. In the midst of of my drive, I was reminded of several conversations I had that day, mostly via e-mail correspondence. The phrase "it is what it is" repeated in my head like a mantra (ok, that was from yesterday). I know I don't handle things like conflict all that well, but I do the best I can at the time; mulling over it solves nothing. That isn't to say I should brush conflict off-the trick for me is to find that balance. At the same time, at what point do you stop hoping for civility and accept the fact that certain people should not remain in your life? I've certainly made as much of an effort as I can in sobriety to remain somewhat friendly with former girlfriends. With one or two exceptions though, I've found the majority of them to be distantly passively-aggressive (asking my friends if I'm dating anyone and/or warning their own friends not to date any of mine simply out of guilt by association isn't what I would call the mature thing to do, but hey-what do I know?). Am I that difficult of a person to deal with postbreakup? Apparently so.

Live and learn, my friends. Live and learn.

Liampalooza Day 1-1/2

Picked up Liam yesterday to begin our Summer. I thought this day would take forever, and events of the past few weeks only made it feel like I was crawling toward our start. After some shopping for lunch goodies we celebrated night 1 over bbq pizza and 28 Days Later.

Dropped Liam off early this morning for his 1st day of Day Camp. Beginning at 11:00 AM, I called the park to double check that he did in fact check in. Yeah, I need to mellow out. After a somewhat hectic day at work (too much to do in an abbreviated amount of time), I picked The Boy up, saying hi to W. in the gym. After dropping Liam's stuff off in the car we checked out the local library where Liam will be hanging a couple of hours each day until I pick him up. Weighing our options for (early) dinner, it occurred to me that we haven't done much hanging in Lincoln Square since the end of my last relationship and I started to get a bit...anxious. I know-ridiculous, right? Halfway into our meal at Costello's and I realized that I simply need to make new memories-I can stay focused on the past, and by doing so continuing to mull over what I could have done better; or I can move on and make new memories. Step one (ha!) involved a trip to Laurie's Planet Of Sound. I haven't been in there since things were...different, and it was good to see Adam (the discount didn't hurt either!). I promised Liam an overdue trip to Quake Collectibles so we hit that before grabbing a mocha at The Grind and heading home.

Bring on more summer days like this, I say. Minus the silly thoughts, of course.

Side Note: Talking to K. online today, I think there may be a trip to Seattle come Labor Day Weekend. The Bumbershoot Festival lineup looks killer.

On My Way To a Past Mistake

One definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome.

If that phrase does in fact ring true, than I must be certifiable. I wish I could just blame last night's "insanity" on exhaustion (texting from Schuba's with one eye open-stone cold sober, thank you). The fact was , I was lonely and any remotely attractive woman was there with someone else (yeah, flirting at this point would have been a great idea, what with all the "game" I don't have). I was willing to start up yet another cycle of what in my mind would have been selfish behavior; when my invitation was turned into an invitation to meet elsewhere, I did the usual, "I'm sorry, it was a mistake contacting you". I don't get it-I should be enjoying the freedom of being single, and I do for the most part. I like that I don't have to call someone every night or have certain days of my week set aside anymore. On the flipside, there are times when it'd be nice to have someone nearby who could come over at the last minute to watch, say Amores Perros (ok, maybe not-it's not for the squeamish). Until I can find that balance, though, I guess it's best to stay where I'm at.

Thankfully, I was able to get out of myself earlier that night at Vince's housewarming party. He's got a great place a block over from my mother's old condo. Met some of his colleagues as well as some people I've seen around in the rooms but never talked to before. As insane as I feel and act at times, I do like seeing my friends in love; they do make it seem possible.

Distractions aside, the Dosh show later that evening was incredible. Sold out crowd at Schubas versus the 50% full show at the Empty Bottle just months before. Word must be spreading, though drumming for Andrew Bird certainly didn't hurt, and support band Black Moth Super Rainbow were like audio LSD (that's a good thing, in my opinion). Word has it BMSR will be opening for The Flaming Lips on their Fall tour. Provided tickets aren't too pricey, I know a certain soon-to-be-12 year old who would more than likely get a kick out of both bands.

Leaving in an hour to grab Liam and begin our summer. About damn time.

In Sickness And In Dub

Last night's reheated dinner did not sit well and as a result, I was in no shape to do much of anything for much of today. By 8 PM, though, cabin fever set in and I found myself at the nearby Borders. Over a mocha (what else?) and a few magazines, I began my ritual. As much as I enjoy nights like this when I can just do my own thing, I also felt incredibly lonely. Perhaps this was an afterthought of last night's goodbye; perhaps it had something to do with the couples all around the cafe. I sometimes long for the kind of woman I can walk into a place like Borders with and not speak a word to-just knowing they are across from me would be sufficient. Unfortunately that's just not possible at this point in my life and when I'm not cursing myself for my...er, emotional retardation (really? I'm hard on myself?), I'm pretty OK with that.

Being the music sponge that I am, I've been reading up on the anniversary of Bob Marley's Exodus, this year being its 30th anniversary. Consequently, I've been on a dub kick as of late. Something about the reverb and the emphasis on heavy bass is very soothing (no, I am not high, but I can totally see how dub music can enhance that feeling). At this point it beats listening to music that reminds me of what a shitty boyfriend I can be (there he goes again, Mr. Self Deprecation).

Sunday can't come soon enough.

Public Image versus Kenny Rogers

Last night I went to bed with the following lyric stuck in my head:

Anger is an energy

1986 Public Image Limited


...and woke up today with these lyrics:

You got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run

1980(?) Kenny Rogers

I think it's time I follow Kenny's lead. Thanks, Kenny!

The Woodwork

As it so happens on occasion when I find myself single once again, I begin to hear from people who are otherwise absent when I am in the midst of a relationship. Generally, these are women who I may or may not have dated, or generally had some form of a connection with. This "go around" seems to have brought out more out than usual. While I am flattered, and maybe in a different time I would have used this as an opportunity to...er, entertain myself, I know that that sort of thinking will only result in more frustration. This summer I plan on focusing solely on Liam. Only four more days! I cannot fucking wait.

Musical Truth

Last night I tried out for an old friend's new band, and it appears that I got the gig. The band plays "melodically aggressive" music not unlike the very first band I was in. I received a cd with some songs a few weeks back to work on lyric ideas. Coming from my other (apparently not former) band where I made/make it a point not to write about romantic relationships, what I've been working on lately has most definitely been a product of what's been going on emotionally, and the music seems to perfectly compliment this. It felt really good to be in a room with 5 other guys playing nice and loud.

In hindsight, last night's conversation (or lack thereof) was probably not the best idea. I woke up this morning frustrated, (over)thinking about where it all went wrong instead of focusing on what role I played. There's a killer song amongst all this, I just know it.

Monday Morning Sweatbox

I must be quite the sight at the moment. With it being 78 degrees outside at present, it feels at least 10 degrees hotter in this sauna of an apartment. The extension cords I bought for the new a/c unit today were the wrong type. Idiot!

Father's Day came and went with little fanfare. I elected not to hit the cemetery after all as it had been some time since my last visit and neither myself nor my brothers knew exactly where Dad is buried. I plan on driving out on my day off this week and at least getting the map to his headstone, coming back soon with Liam to pay our respects. At Mom's invitation we headed over to her house to have a Father's Day barbecue with her, my stepdad Lou, most of his kids/grandkids, my grandma and Lou's uncle. Not an hour before we left to come over, my brother calls with Father's Day wishes and to remind me that it was Mom and Lou's 1st wedding anniversary. I could've sworn it was June 19th but regardless, I've been too wrapped up in my own drama and the pending summer with Liam (one more week!) to think about much else. Thankfully there was a Walgreens on the way. In the midst of putting together Mom and Lou's new swing, Lou's oldest son David and I were commenting on the volume of noise this year's cicadas were creating when lo and behold, I see just tons of the bastards collecting on the ground, on the trees, some even landing on us at various times. It almost seemed Hitchcockian if we weren't laughing/retching at the sight and smell of these things (the "sweet" smell of decay). After some good food and conversation/gossip (I thought my immediate family had some drama until I heard the latest concerning my youngest stepbrother), Liam and I made our way down to his neck of the woods and after saying goodbye to my slightly chagrined ex (she had no problem with Liam's haircut per Se, just the fact that she had just cut his hair only to have her work erased), I headed home.

I considered myself very lucky today to have such a great family. It did make me think that, for the most part, I really have nothing to complain about. In the end, we all want each other to be happy and healthy and I feel that much more of both after spending time with them. Aww.



Listen to Young Galaxy

Hairstyles of the Not So Rich and Famous

Yesterday Liam got his very first mohawk, something he'd wanted as far back as two years ago. I'm not going to lie, it looks really good. Late yesterday afternoon we took a cab over to Taste Of Randolph Street in time to meet up with Graeme, Mike and their ladies. The plan was to catch both The Life and Times and The Walkmen's sets but we only managed to stick around for TLAT (who never disappoint-I just couldn't justify dropping $10 on an import EP. Get that released stateside, dudes). We left around 5:45 PM to catch another cab to my friend Carrie's party in honor of Lori's 3rd anniversary. Carrie lives just down the street from Water Tower Place and the party was held in the Penthouse Party Room (that's the 28th floor) of her building. Talk about a view-to the left we had a perfect view of Navy Pier and the lake. If I was feeling romantic, I'd say it was the perfect place to take that special someone (and a few people did). Stuck around later than anticipated in the hopes of catching some fireworks that never did appear.

Back to Liam's mohawk-he counted 10 compliments to his hair throughout the day, and soaked 'em all up just like the chip off the ol' block that he is. Of course now he wants to dye his hair red or green, the pushy lil' leprechaun.

Father's Day

A moment of reflection if I may (of course I can-it's my blog).

This Father's Day marks my 12th year as a father; it also marks the 3rd year that my dad hasn't been around to celebrate it with. Picking Liam up tonight, I mention to him our rough plans for the weekend-Taste Of Randolph Street, followed by the sticking in of our heads at a good friend's anniversary party. Talk of Sunday comes up and I mention a possible trip to the cemetery to see Grandpa/Dad. I'm soon hit with the realization that I really haven't thought this through. Do I let my son potentially see me turn into a blubbering idiot in front of his own eyes? Suffice it to say he's seen enough of his old man's tears. I haven't thought of Dad to the point of tears in some time now. Perhaps I've numbed myself of the grief altogether? Doubtful, as I'm sure subsequent counseling sessions will prove (I hope) that I have more grieving to do, as well as a healthier means of letting it all out.

I would never tell my son that he should bottle up his emotions, but I can't seem to shake this...feeling that I don't want to embarrass myself on Sunday, or to make him cry if he sees me in such a state. Maybe it's the exhaustion (I am way past the point of being overtired); maybe it's the heat (too lazy to bring up the window a/c I bought tonight and the one that's currently running is as old as hell). Whatever the case, I miss the hell out of you, Dad.

Start A War

We expected something, something better than before. We expected something more
do you really think you can just put it in a safe behind a painting, lock it up and leave
do you really think you can just put it in a safe behind a painting, lock it up and leave

walk away now and you’re gonna start a war

Whatever went away I’ll get it over now. I’ll get money, I’ll get funny again
whatever went away I’ll get it over now. I’ll get money, I’ll get funny again

walk away now and you’re gonna start a war

We expected something, something better than before. We expected something more
you were always weird but I never had to hold you by the edges like I do now
you were always weird but I never had to hold you by the edges like I do now

Walk away now and you’re gonna start a war

Whatever went away I’ll get it over now. I’ll get money, I’ll get funny again
whatever went away I’ll get it over now. I’ll get money, I’ll get funny again

walk away now and you’re gonna start a war
walk away now and you’re gonna start a war

written by The National

Back at it

After a good two years since my last "real" blog (not including the ones I sometimes post on Myspace), recent events have prompted me to get at it again.

Here I am, up way past my bedtime drinking a mocha having just gone over this year's Lollapalooza schedule and trying not too think too much (easier said than done). I've recently gone back into therapy, having abandoned the idea back in 2002 after my first few months of sobriety. In talking to a friend of mine about some relationship woes, it was assumed that I went into therapy after my father died as a way of helping to deal with my grief. When I mentioned that no, I had not sought professional help on the matter, he highly recommended that I at least give it a shot.

Tonight was my second session and a few things were brought to the surface, namely my difficulty in distinguishing the end of a relationship-in this case a romantic one. At what point do you realize that the person you are with just isn't compatible? How much are you willing to give, willing to take from it? How hard are you supposed to work on something before you give up? In my case, I chose to freeze up when the pressure got to be too much to bear-perhaps undue pressure I was placing on myself but a feeling of pressure nonetheless. I felt pressured to be someone who I wasn't. As a result I was not emotionally available and was not able to meet certain emotional needs.

At this point I can continue to beat myself up over what I didn't do or because I stayed too long in a doomed relationship; I could also choose to move ahead and work toward becoming a better person and let whatever happens, happen. I think I'll choose the latter.